


Extra thermador on the side

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [10]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, Content Warnings in Chapter Notes, F/M, M/M, Tumblr Prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-04-19 19:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 22,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14244150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: A collection of all the little extra bits I wrote on Tumblr for my Brooklyn Nine-Nine series, presented in roughly chronological order.





	1. Andrew's Adoption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kittyfeathersflying asked: For the b99 fic, could you maybe write about andrews adoption?
> 
> Anonymous asked: I love your B99/AFTG series!!! I’d love to know more about Andrew’s relationship with his parents. Like how’d the first few months of Andrew living with Bee and Higgins as his parents go? How did Higgins know that there was something wrong with Andrew living with the Spears? How did Bee and Higgins get together???
> 
> Anonymous asked: I don’t know if someone asked this already (because it’s a MUST), but Andrew’s adoption in the B99 AU!!!!!! You really really have to write that. (I mean please and thank you and if you feel like it, of course) But it will save lives! This is honestly the best AU ever and you wrote it so perfectly (but then I do love your writing and all your AUs) so that’s that. Have an awesome day!! <3
> 
> Warnings: implied/reference childhood sexual abuse, referenced self-harm, reference child abuse.

Phil Higgins met Betsy Dobson early in his career. He attended a conference about police interactions with mentally ill individuals and she gave a talk about the prevalence of mental illness in juvenile detention facilities. He listened diligently - his interest had always been in mentoring at-risk youth - and approached her afterwards with several questions. They’d started a conversation, when it ran long they went for coffee to continue it, and had shifted from topic to topic and spent hours together. He’d asked her out on a date, she gladly accepted, and the two of them had never looked back.

When he started working with the PAL program, she gave him invaluable advice for how to gain the trust of the participants. Don’t lie to them, even if it’s for their own good; treat everything they say seriously, demonstrate that he’s willing to listen to them; and no matter what, believe them.

Andrew Minyard is twelve years old when he starts coming to the PAL program. Phil has been a cop for years, has taken training courses on mental illness and dealing with youth, so he can tell right away that Andrew’s life has not been easy. Andrew’s personal space bubble is enormous and he defends it violently; he strategically stays out of reach of all the adult men; he doesn’t display emotions or let himself be vulnerable at any time.

Phil knows that Andrew has recently changed foster homes to live with the Spears. Drake Spear had been in the PAL program as a young teenager and Phil had liked him well enough. He was a bit of a bully and he enjoyed having power of the younger boys, but he was generally charismatic. He knows that Cass Spear does a good job of parenting, much better than many foster parents, and he hopes that after settling in Andrew will show some improvement.

He doesn’t. In fact, as the months go on he is clearly getting worse - he’s even more withdrawn, he looks like he hasn’t slept properly in months, and he generally acts like a wounded animal - and Phil is getting worried. He’s tried to forge a connection with Andrew, but Andrew has been resistant. Still, Phil respects his boundaries, never lies, and has insinuated that he’s always willing to listen and believe.

It’s late, everyone has left, and Phil is making sure that everyone is actually gone before he locks up when he stumbles across Andrew changing bandages in the washroom. He sees enough to know that the wounds on his forearms are self-inflicted.

Andrew looks up angrily at him. “Don’t tell anyone.” He sounds desperate.

Phil holds up his hands. “I won’t,” he says. This isn’t the first case of self-harm he has come across and he knows that if he betrays Andrew’s trust he’ll never have a chance to help him. He leans on the wall next to the door. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Andrew scoffs. “No.”

“Alright,” says Phil. “But if you tell me I promise that I will do everything in my power to help you.”

An expression flits across Andrew’s face - hope, maybe? - before he shuts it down. “Nothing’s wrong,” he obviously lies. “Cass is a good mother; I won’t let you take me away from her.”

Phil can hear what he isn’t saying - just because Cass is good doesn’t mean that his home life is sunshine and roses. “She’s not the only good mother,” he points out gently. “What if I can make sure that you’ll end up in a good home?”

Andrew’s eyes flash angrily. “There’s no such place,” he says. “I want to stay with Cass.”

Phil nods, feeling at a loss. Clearly something is very wrong but unless he can convince Andrew to leave Cass he’s never going to get anywhere. He raises the problem with Betsy that evening. They’ve discussed the deficiencies in the foster system before and Phil expresses his disappointment because he had thought that the Spear household was one of the better ones.

Phil continues working on becoming Andrew’s friend. He’s making progress, but Andrew’s distress is continually increasing. The issue weighs heavily on his mind, until one night Betsy comes up with a solution.

“He seems to trust you?” she asks. At his affirmative, she continues, “Then why don’t you and I register as foster parents? If you promise him that he can live with you, maybe he’ll open up.”

Phil’s taken off guard. They’ve discussed having children; they’ve always known that they don’t want biological children and that when they were at a point in their lives that they were ready for children, they would adopt. They’d probably be adopting an older child - they both spend too much time with teenagers who have fallen through the cracks to do otherwise. The solution seems obvious in retrospect and Phil is forever grateful to his wonderful wife.

It doesn’t take them long to register as foster parents and Phil contacts Andrew’s social worker, enquiring about how he could possibly be transferred to their home. They work out the details, but Phil knows that he has to speak with Andrew first. That it has to be Andrew’s choice.

He speaks with him at the first opportunity.

“Andrew,” he starts. “My wife and I have recently registered to become foster parents and we’re interested in fostering you.”

Andrew freezes. “As long as I tell you what you want to know?” he asks, his voice sharp.

“No,” says Phil. “We would like you to come live with us for as long as you want to. You don’t have to tell me why you want to.”

He can almost physically see Andrew’s defenses crumbling, can almost see how badly Andrew wants to believe him. He wants to wrap him up in his arms and protect him from everything, this tiny twelve-year-old who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. He curbs the instinct because he is not an idiot.

“I have never lied to you before,” he says quietly. “I’m not about to start now.”

Andrew wavers for another couple moments, before he nods and slumps. And then he tells Phil about Drake.

* * *

The next day or so are a bit of a blur. Phil can remember tamping down on his disgust and anger so as to not alarm Andrew, but he calls his social worker to process the transfer immediately and he decides that Andrew will never set food in the Spears’ house again, that he will get him all new belongings so that he has nothing that reminds him of that place. He contacts Betsy to buy emergency supplies for that evening; he will take Andrew shopping tomorrow.

Andrew seems mostly wary, but goes home with him willingly enough, and sits quietly as Phil prepares dinner. Betsy gets home not long after they do.

“Hello,” she says to Andrew. “I’m Betsy, Phil’s wife, but you may call me whatever you wish. I’m glad to meet you; I’ve heard so much about you.”

Andrew’s eyes narrow. “What have you heard?”

“Nothing secret,” she replies easily. “Phil’s told me about how much he likes you and how he suspected that there was something wrong that you wouldn’t tell him about. I don’t know if he was correct, but I am very glad you’re here.” Andrew is still suspicious; Betsy smiles pleasantly. “I’ve bought you some supplies for this evening,” she says offering the bags she’s carrying. “Toiletries and something to sleep in. We can throw your clothes in the wash so you can wear them again tomorrow. Would you like to see your room?” Andrew nods hesitantly and she leads him away.

When they return, Andrew has obviously thawed a little, contributing a little to Betsy’s harmless, innocuous chatter. Phil is hit with a sudden deep love and appreciation of his wife.

The next day, Phil takes Andrew shopping. He has taken the next week off from work, citing a family emergency, but Betsy has patients that she needs to see. Andrew looks hollowed out, the bags under his eyes dark, and Phil assumes that he hadn’t felt safe enough to sleep. He wonders if Andrew has ever felt safe in his bed. He vows to change that.

After they have bought enough clothes to last for a couple weeks, he takes Andrew to a hardware store. They end up in the aisle that sells doorknobs and locks.

“You can pick any of these locks that you like,” says Phil. “Any single one. Whichever makes you feel safest. I’ll install it on your bedroom door this afternoon.”

Andrew looks at him in confusion for several beats before he turns and starts assessing the locks. He eventually picks a deadbolt that can only be unlocked from the inside. Phil was expecting as much, so he just nods and buys it.

That afternoon, he installs the lock, showing Andrew how to properly use a drill and a screwdriver. Andrew watches attentively and unpacks his belongings in his room, still looking a little unsure.

When he’s finished, Phil offers that Andrew has a nap. Andrew nods and locks himself in his room. Phil retreats to the family room and puts on a baseball game, planning out the best way to prosecute Drake for his actions without traumatising Andrew any further.

Andrew shuffles into the room a few hours later, his hair fluffy from sleep.

“Do you want to watch the game with me?” asks Phil.

“Okay,” says Andrew quietly and perches on the armchair farthest from him.

“We could watch something else if you’d like?”

“I… play exy at school.”

“Exy, huh?” says Phil, quickly flipping through the channels until he finds an exy re-run. “I’m afraid I don’t know the rules, can you explain them?”

They are still sitting there watching the surprisingly violent sport when Betsy gets home from work.

“Well that’s my cue to start dinner,” says Phil, levering off the couch. “Would you like to help me?” Andrew nods silently and follows to help.

* * *

Andrew’s silent obedience and agreeableness do not last for long. Once he’s feeling more secure, he starts testing them. Phil and Betsy had been expecting this - expecting Andrew to act out to test whether they are going to send him back - but that doesn’t make it more pleasant. They attend family therapy sessions and Andrew visits a therapist who specializes in trauma survivors. Phil loves Andrew quite a lot but he spends a lot of time over the next year or so wanting to strangle him. Betsy laughs at him and agrees, pointing out that Andrew’s barely even a teenager so they probably still have several rough years ahead.

Almost two years after he first brings Andrew home, Phil has a tough case at work. He’s usually able to keep his home life and his work life separate, but sometimes the really bad ones stick to him. Cases like this, involving children - children he couldn’t help - always weigh on him, making him feel useless, like a failure.

He doesn’t like to bring this darkness to his time with his family, so he barricades himself in his office. Betsy knows that he needs time to decompress and leaves him be.

It is late when he’s making his way to bed, but as he’s passing Andrew’s bedroom he notices the door is ajar and a light is still on. He sticks his head in to tell Andrew it’s past his bedtime, but when he looks in his breath catches. Andrew has passed out with a book on his chest, lying on top of his comforter. He’s sleeping soundly with his bedroom door ajar, he’s still sleeping despite the fact that Phil is at his door after just creeping down the hallway. His eyes sting as he realizes how much Andrew trusts him.

“Andrew,” he says quietly. “Andrew, time to go to bed properly.”

Andrew blinks awake sleepily. “Dad?” he says. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah,” says Phil, his heart full. “Get under your covers and go back to sleep.”

“Mmmkay,” says Andrew, rolling under his covers. “Get the light?”

Phil flips off the light, says goodnight, and closes the door. He pauses, thinking with pride about how far his son has come in just two years. Maybe he was too late to save those kids today but Andrew would always, always be a physical reminder of the difference he had made in at least one child’s life.


	2. Andrew Loves Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Omg! I love your b99 au. I’d love to read more interaction between Andrew and his parents...just them hanging out???? Por favor y gracias

“Okay,” said Phil excitedly. “How about a baseball game for Family Time?”

Andrew made a face. “Do we have to?” he asked.

“No,” replied Phil. “Obviously we don’t have to if you don’t want to. Where would you like to go?”

Andrew shrugged. Phil was pretty sure that this was normal teenage behaviour, but Andrew was only thirteen and he’d only lived with them for a year. Surely he couldn’t be in the ‘not wanting to spend time with his parents’ and ‘pretending to be unimpressed by everything’ stages already, could he?

They ended up at the science museum at Betsy’s suggestion. Andrew continued to appear to be bored by life and pretended he didn’t know the adults who were clearly accompanying him and calling him by name.

He maintained his aloof façade all through the sections on sound, the human body, natural resources, and even trains. Phil couldn’t believe that last one. Even he had been excited about going into the actual train and pretending to be a conductor. Sure, he was a grown adult, but: trains!

It wasn’t until they’d reached the section on space that Andrew’s mask cracked. His eyes widened as he took in the rocket and he moved from display panel to display panel, touching all the hands-on displays and trying to absorb as much information as he could.

“Did you see this?” he asked. “Black holes can even trap _light_. That’s _so cool_.” He was distracted by a display about how stars formed. “Dad, look!” he said, pointing.

Phil’s breathing hitched. Over the past year Andrew had referred to Betsy as ‘Mom’ a handful of times, but he’d never called him ‘Dad’. “I see it,” he said in a suddenly hoarse voice. “It’s very cool.”

Andrew smiled at him and went over to examine the display.

Betsy squeezed Phil’s hand. “Well, look at that,” she said softly.

“I know,” replied Phil. “Our son’s a giant space nerd.”

She laughed. “That he is.”


	3. Andrew Tests His Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: I love your writing ! Your avenger au is wonderful ! And you B99 au is hilarious ! I was wondering (if it's possible), if you would consider writing a scene when Andrew was difficult as a pre teen. You said that he tested Pig and Bee a lot, I would love to see that, if you want ! Thank you so much for writing those amazing au ! :D

When Phil gets home from work Betsy is violently kneading dough and Andrew is nowhere to be seen. He gives a little sigh and goes over to greet his wife. It’s usually his temper that Andrew is able to incite, but Betsy, despite her general placidity, is not immune. 

“Bad day?” he asks gently, kissing her temple. 

“It’s just,” she says, sighing and leaning back into him, “I feel so stupid. I know exactly what he’s doing and why he’s acting like this, I know how to handle it, and I _still_ just get so frustrated and angry!” 

“I know,” he says, wrapping his arms around her. Lately it seems that the only emotions he feels are frustration and anger. 

They’d tried to prepare. Due to her training and career Betsy had some prior knowledge about what to expect, the two of them had read up on the common behaviours of adopted children - particularly those with a history of abuse - and they’d been having sessions with a family therapist. They knew that there was no magic cure, that they had to outlast Andrew’s acting out and testing them, that they just had to remain firm and maintain a safe space for him and wait for him to realize that they weren’t going to abandon him. 

Betsy sighs again and resumes kneading the bread dough. Phil is the one who likes to bake when he’s stressed - kneading definitely helps work out some of his aggression _and_ he gets delicious baked goods afterwards - but he and Betsy have been together long enough that they have picked up some of each other’s mannerisms and habits. Phil rubs her shoulders; they’ve been getting better at not taking out their frustrations with Andrew on each other. 

“Where is he?” he asks eventually. 

“In his room, sulking,” says Betsy. She grimaces a little. “We had an argument. He’s getting _so good_ at getting under my skin.” 

“Of course he is,” says Phil. “He knows us pretty well by now. What did he do?” 

“I got a call from the school because he failed to hand in his homework.” 

“He didn’t do his homework?” 

“Apparently he ‘didn’t feel like it’,” says Betsy, with impressive sarcasm. “So I told him that from now on he’ll have to do his homework at the dining room table where we can see him.” 

“I’ll do his homework with him tonight.” 

“Thanks,” says Betsy, “but that’s not all.” 

“What else?” asks Phil wearily. 

“Well, he’s dyed his hair blue.” 

“He what?” 

“Which I’m fine with: self-expression is important,” says Betsy. “But our formally white bathroom is _also_ dyed blue. And then he moved everything in the living room an inch to the left, which I _know_ isn’t a big deal but it just makes me…” She shudders like a cat shedding water. 

“I know,” he says.Triggering her OCD is a surefire way to ruffle her feathers and Phil’s vaguely impressed by Andrew’s creativity.  


Betsy finishes kneading the dough and leaves it to rise in a oiled bowl before starting to gather the ingredients to make dinner. 

“Want any help?” Phil asks. 

“No,” she says shortly. “You go parent; I’ll make dinner.” 

He snorts, but he feels secretly pleased. Usually it’s him losing his temper and Betsy being the voice of reason. For once he gets to be the calm, rational parent. He heads up to Andrew’s room, knocking softly and waiting for Andrew’s grunt of acknowledgement before he enters. He suppresses a wince at Andrew’s hair: streaky and blue-ish is not a good look. 

“Here to send me back now that Bee’s finally tired of me?” asks Andrew with a sneer. 

“No, never,” replies Phil simply. “You’re our son and you’re staying with us.” 

Andrew’s face vacillates between disbelief and naked hope. 

“I know you don’t believe me yet,” Phil continues, “but that’s okay. I’ll tell you as many times as you need me to. Now, come on. We have homework to do.” 


	4. Andrew Meets Aaron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kittyfeathersflying asked: I love your b99 au! Its amazing! I love every snipet you post about the world! Could write about when Andrew found out about Aaron and/or met him?
> 
> warnings: referenced child abuse, death of a parent

He has only been living with Pig Higgins and Bee for a few months when he learns about Aaron. Pig had gone to a baseball game with the PAL program and had invited Andrew to go with him. Andrew does not particularly like baseball or socializing and so had declined.

Instead, he stays home with Bee and they bake cookies and watch The Empire Strikes Back, and he really, really hopes that he can stay here.

When Pig gets back he’s a little withdrawn and thoughtful. He has a quiet chat with Bee and then calls Andrew to talk with them. Andrew’s heart is in his throat; he doesn’t like the sound of this. Did Pig decide he doesn’t want Andrew anymore because he refused to go to the baseball game? Should he have gone even though he hadn’t wanted to?

Pig clears his throat. “Today at the baseball game I met a boy who looks exactly like you,” he says.

Andrew doesn’t understand at first.

“I mean, exactly,” says Pig. “His last name is also Minyard. I’m pretty sure the two of you are twins.”

 _Oh_ , thinks Andrew blankly. He’s not sure what to think about possibly having a brother.

“I think that the two of you must have been split up when you entered the system,” Pig continues. “I spoke with his guardian, and she gave me her number so we can call if you want to meet-”

“No,” says Andrew, cutting him off. He does _not_  want to meet this so-called brother. He has just found the perfect home and he isn’t willing to do anything to jeopardize his place. What if it’s decided that the two of them should be together and they take him away from Pig and Bee’s house? Or what if his brother comes to live here and they like him better? He’s probably not as broken as Andrew and he is apparently willing to go to baseball games. No, he is not willing to leave and he’s not willing to share.

Pig looks a little taken aback. “Alright, whatever you want,” he says. “I’m going to call her and I’ll let her know that you’re not interested in meeting Aaron.”

Andrew shakes his head. He doesn’t even want to know his brother’s _name_.

“You can change your mind at any time,” says Bee.

“I won’t,” says Andrew.

* * *

When he’s sixteen, he reconsiders. Pig and Bee have officially adopted him and he’s secure in his place in their home. He wonders if his brother has also found a good home.

When he brings up the topic, Bee sits him down to tell him about what had happened when they’d contacted Aaron’s guardian all those years ago. It turned out that she was actually the twins’ biological mother, and only Andrew had been placed in the system. Andrew is glad he waited to meet Aaron until now; he’s officially adopted and his birth mother can’t stake a claim on him. He already has a mother.

Bee contacts the woman who birthed him, Tilda, who does not seem to be interested in meeting him. Andrew doesn’t care. He’s not particularly interested in meeting her, either. Tilda eventually concedes to asking Aaron if he wants to meet Andrew.

Aaron contacts them a few days later, saying that he wants to meet Andrew. They set up a meeting the next weekend. Andrew goes over to Tilda and Aaron’s house. It’s shabby, like many places he had stayed as a child, and Tilda refuses to look him in the eye. She’s twitchy in a way that he recognizes from former foster parents, and Aaron is, too. He also has a couple dark bruises that Andrew glimpses by chance.

He trusts his parents, so as soon as he gets home he tells them his suspicions about Tilda’s treatment of Aaron. Pig sighs heavily, but the next day he has CPS open an investigation into Tilda Minyard.

She’s found to be an abusive drug addict, and she loses custody of Aaron until she’s clean and has taken mandatory parenting classes. Aaron is placed in the home of his aunt and uncle, who pay to send both him and Tilda to fancy rehab clinics.

After he gets out, he wants absolutely nothing to do with Andrew, blaming him for his misfortunes. It gets even worse after Tilda dies suddenly; she crashes her car while impaired, the rehab having had little effect.

Andrew gives up on the idea of a brother after that. It’s Bee that eventually comes up with a way to salvage their relationship. She convinces Aaron’s aunt that the twins should attend joint therapy sessions. It’s slow going; Aaron refuses to say anything at first and Andrew’s annoyed that Aaron’s angry with him. 

He knows he did the right thing by reporting Tilda’s abuse. Even if Aaron never forgives him, he’ll always be thankful that his brother has escaped his abuser.


	5. Andrew Watches Porn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: i was reading your extra contents and i read the part where andrew was caught watching porn. i was wondering if you could write this one, if not then that's okay too! also im in love with your works anr writing !! they make me ridiculously happy! have a good day/night.
> 
> Anonymous asked: how about a one shot where bee catches andrew watching porn, if you’re comfortable writing it of course

The woman in the video moans theatrically and Andrew wrinkles his brow. This isn’t arousing at all. He finds himself wishing that she’d get out of the frame so he can get a better look at the man.

The door to his room is suddenly pushed open, because he apparently left it ajar instead of closing and locking it because he’s an _idiot_. Bee bustles in, saying something. Andrew slaps his laptop closes just as another breathy moan is heard and launches it away from him.

Bee stops short, looking between him and the laptop. “You know…” she says slowly, “it’s completely natural that you’re curious about sex and sexuality. You shouldn’t be ashamed to be watching porn.”

Andrew groans, wishing that he could melt through the floor and buries his head in his hands.

“Now,” says Bee, for some reason not _going away and never mentioning this again_ , “I just want to make sure that you’re being safe.”

“I’m not _having_ sex,” says Andrew into his palms.

“Oh,” says Bee, surprised. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, obviously when you’re ready to engage in sexual activity protecting yourself and your health is very important, but I meant that porn sites are notoriously full of computer viruses. Make sure your anti-virus and anti-malware software is up to date.”

“Can you go away?” mutters Andrew. He can feel how hot his face is; he must be the colour of a tomato.

“One last thing,” says Bee. “Remember that porn is inherently theatrical and usually misogynistic. It’s not a realistic depiction of sex. I can get you more reliable literature, and I’m always available if you want to talk. Or, if you don’t feel comfortable with me, then you can always talk to your father or your therapist.”

Andrew finds himself wishing that she were less unflappable. Why wasn’t she shocked or embarrassed? Then, at least, he wouldn’t be the only one.

“I’m proud of you, Andrew,” she says as she leaves him room.

Andrew groans again. Why is his mother _the worst_?


	6. Andrew Comes Out to His Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: i love your b99 au and have read all the extra content. i know you wrote about andrew coming out to nicky and to aaron and mentioned that he has come out to betsy and phil, but i was wondering if you could write that scene? like i imagine andrew being terrified about telling his parents but then it's all good when it's over
> 
> warning: vague reference to csa

Andrew was beginning to feel like he was lying and it was making him itch. He was a firm believer in reciprocity and Pig and Bee had never lied to him, so lying to them - even if just by omission - didn’t sit right with him.

His therapist, Amy, kept trying to assure him that not telling them his sexuality wasn’t lying and that they certainly wouldn’t be upset about him keeping it to himself, that it was important for him to come out on his own schedule not anyone else’s. He’d had to come out to her much earlier than he’d wanted, worried that the pervasive thoughts about other boys’ attractiveness had somehow been the result of Drake and the others. It had taken a while but he was now… accepting, if not particularly thrilled about being gay.

He knew, logically, that his parents wouldn’t have a problem with it, wouldn’t send him back into the horror show that had been his life before they’d found him. He was pretty sure that they loved him unconditionally, but he was terrified to find out that they didn’t.

It was on his mind almost constantly when he was around them. He was sure they knew that something was bothering him, but they’d always let him tell them things in his own time. And the longer it took him the more his brain kept coming up with increasingly terrible outcomes.

They were eating dinner, Pig and Bee chatting away about their days and Andrew picking at his food and slowly squeezing his fork tighter and tighter.

“And then the poodle led us right to the culprit!” said Pig.

“I’m gay,” announced Andrew, unable to keep it from them any longer.

His parents went silent. Bee carefully put down her fork and made direct eye contact. “Thank you for sharing that with us, Andrew,” she said warmly. “I know it must have been difficult to you and I want you to know that we love and support you.”

“I’m proud of you, son,” added Pig.

“Uh…” said Andrew. That was it? He’d been worried for weeks about this? Then he noticed that his parents didn’t look particularly shocked. He sighed. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say I _knew_ ,” said Bee. “But I did strongly suspect.”

“I knew,” said Pig. “What?” he asked at the side-eye Bee shot him. “He hates baseball but he’s been finding excuses to watch it with me. The fit men wearing tight pants clearly drew him in.”

“Baseball’s stupid,” muttered Andrew, his cheeks heating but relief spreading through him.

“Anyway,” said Bee, “remember that you don’t have to hesitate to talk to us about anything.” Andrew nodded and she smiled. “Now, finish you dinner so we can have celebratory ice cream.”

“What’s to celebrate?” asked Andrew.

“Your bravery, for one,” said Pig. “The fact that you were able to step up and be honest with both us and yourself about who you are.”

“Also, you’ve been carrying this around for a while,” added Bee. “It must feel like a weight off your shoulders, right? That’s worth celebrating.”

Andrew rolled his eyes, ignoring the sudden lump in his throat. His parents were so sappy and embarrassing.


	7. Andrew Comes Out to Nicky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Hey I'm kinda obsessed with your b99 au. Can you maybe do something about Andrew coming out in that verse? Or meeting Nicky? because we already know from Bee that Nicky had a positive influence on Andrew's acceptance of his sexuality.

Andrew sipped his appropriately sweet coffee-milk concoction and waited for Nicky to appear. He had a pen in his hand and was flipping it as a fairly obvious nervous tell.

It was just - he’d only come out to his parents so far. And his therapist, obviously. She’d been extremely helpful in him coming to accept his sexuality after Drake and the others. So there were only three people on earth who know he was gay… although the few boys he’d made out with in high school might also have an inkling.

He was pretty sure that he was ready now that he was in his first year of college to explore his sexuality further. Which meant meeting other gay people. Which meant either joining a campus LGBT+ club (no way) or going to a gay bar (the alcohol would be helpful). Andrew was nervous about going to a gay bar for the first time and he really didn’t like doing things that made him nervous alone. The problem with that was that he didn’t really have any friends, since he hated most people and was actively antisocial. Bee was probably his closest friend and he couldn’t bring his _mother_ to a gay bar where he was hoping to hook up, so. Nicky.

He didn’t really know his cousin all that well. By the time he’d met Aaron, Nicky had already moved out of his parents’ house. Aaron had told him that he and Nicky had grown up being pretty close, but that his relationship with his parents had become strained when he’d come out. Aaron always spoke of Nicky’s sexuality with enough casual homophobia that Andrew wasn’t about to come out to his brother any time soon.

Nicky was three years his senior and had spent the last three years backpacking around Europe in order to escape from his family life. He’d returned this year in order to attend college, happy to be around his cousins. He had a fairly high tolerance for Andrew’s unfriendly silences; years of knowing Aaron had made him immune.

He practically bounced into the coffee shop, getting himself a drink and something to eat before he collapsed into the empty chair at Andrew’s table.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said. Andrew didn’t answer, and Nicky launched into a story about something or other; Andrew wasn’t paying close attention. He continued flipping his pen, wondering how he was going to broach the subject, how he was going to rein in Nicky’s exuberant reaction, how he was going to make sure that Nicky didn’t tell Aaron. He didn’t tune back in to Nicky’s chatter until an opportunity presented itself.

“…because I’m the Gay Cousin™,” said Nicky.

“Not the only one.”

Nicky blinked a couple times before Andrew’s meaning made itself clear, and an expression of absolute joy passed over his face. He took a deep breath, and Andrew cut off what was sure to be an ear-splitting shriek.

“Don’t make a big deal,” he said, then, as he was filled with sudden terror, “And don’t tell Aaron.”

A complicated expression passed over Nicky’s face. “No,” he said. “I won’t out you before you’re ready.” He paused thoughtfully. “College has been good for him,” he said. “He’s becoming less actively homophobic now that he’s exposed to less bigoted views than my parents’.” He shook his head. “But let’s talk about you! I’m so excited! I can be your Gay Mentor!”

Andrew gave him a flat look.

“No, really!” said Nicky. “What are you doing this Friday? We could go to Eden’s Twilight! Do you have a fake ID?”

“Yes,” said Andrew, thankful that Nicky had proposed the idea so he didn’t have to seem eager. As Nicky continued jabbering on about all the things and people he wanted to introduce to him, Andrew let out a sigh of relief. That hadn’t been too bad.

Operation: Be Gay in Public in Order to Find a Guy to Be Gay With (he really needed to come up with a better name) was going smoothly so far, even if he did have to be exposed to Nicky’s enthusiasm.


	8. Andrew Comes Out to Aaron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: I really love your b99 au, and i loved your ficlet about Andrew coming out to Nicky, can you write something about Andrew coming out to Aaron?
> 
> Warnings: suicide mention, homophobia.

Andrew knew he had to do it. He’d grown more comfortable with his sexual identity over the past couple years of college, but he still hadn’t told Aaron.

To be fair, there was a good reason that he hadn’t. His relationship with Aaron was fragile, although it had grown stronger as they left their teenage years behind. Also, Aaron wasn’t actively homophobic anymore - college had enlightened him, and he’d firmly chosen Nicky over his parents - but he still displayed casual homophobia, probably unconsciously.

He’d recently started some sort of campaign, trying to set Andrew up. Even if he weren’t gay, Andrew wouldn’t date anyone that Aaron recommended: he was terrible at finding girlfriends. According to Nicky, Aaron’s last girlfriend had hated the colour blue so much that she had trashed everything in his apartment that was blue. Including the tiles in the bathroom. And the girlfriend before that had definitely been in a cult and tried to convince Aaron to join a suicide pact with her. Andrew hooked up more than he dated, but he was much better at picking partners than Aaron.

“…and she’s really sweet and under five feet,” Aaron was saying.

“I’m gay,” replied Andrew. He probably could have eased Aaron into it a little, but oh well. It was done now.

Aaron froze. “Really?” he asked finally. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“… _Why_?” he demanded, seemingly unable to stop himself. “Have you tried dating girls?”

“I just am,” replied Andrew, sighing internally. It’s not like he expected a different reaction, but still. It was kind of disappointing.

“Okay,” said Aaron slowly. “I guess it’s your choice. Just don’t tell me any details, ha ha.” It almost sounded like he was joking, but Andrew knew he wasn’t. He always reacted poorly whenever Nicky talked about guys.

Later, after Aaron had given an excuse and beaten a hasty retreat, Andrew sighed deeply. That could have gone better. Of course, he realized, it could have gone much, much worse.


	9. Neil is a Jerk and Andrew is Smitten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kittyfeathersflying asked: I really love your bb9 au! Its so funny! Could maybe write something about Neil and Andrew meet? Or when Neil realizes Andrew likes him?

It took Neil four days before he snapped.

In retrospect, when he knew Neil better, knew about his red-hot temper and his sharp tongue, Andrew was impressed he lasted that long. He was impressed when it happened, too, but for different reasons. Before that he’d never really thought that he had a type, but apparently his type was pretty, mouthy assholes, because Neil pressed all his buttons.

They met on the first day of class. Andrew had arrived early, which was good because Pig had insisted on bringing him to his first day of police academy training. His pride made Andrew itchy. When he’d told his parents that he wanted to become a police officer, his father had burst into tears. It had been the most embarrassing moment of Andrew’s life, even worse than the time that Bee had caught him watching straight porn in an completely futile effort to make himself heterosexual. For the first day of class Andrew had relented and let Pig bring him in, but he was going to make a hard rule about the two of them not interacting at work. People didn’t need to know his business.

The first couple weeks at the academy consisted of classroom learning, much to Andrew’s annoyance. He’d just graduated from college, he didn’t want to go straight back into the classroom. He took a look at the classroom setup, sighed heavily and took a seat at the front. He didn’t want to look like a keener, but, despite the fact that he didn’t like to admit that he was short, he knew that there was no way he would be able to see the board over anyone’s head.

The rest of the class trickled in, mostly buff white guys, while Andrew ignored them and fiddled with his phone. No one took the seat next to him. He wasn’t surprised; Bee had been making jokes about his Bored Resting Murder Face for years. According to her, he definitely looked like he was willing to kill whoever spoke with him, but that he would be really bored while doing so. Besides, he wasn’t here to make friends.

Just before class began, a dishevelled man rushed in. He looked like he’d just rolled out of bed, his clothing wrinkled and askew. He was wearing a truly hideous orange hoodie which clashed horribly with his auburn hair. He was pretty, thought Andrew, and shorter than everyone in the room except him, but definitely straight. Andrew had never witnessed a gay man dress so poorly in public. Andrew himself was dressed quite nicely; he only wore dark colours (although he had branched out a bit from his teenage self who would only wear black or very, very, very dark grey) but he always picked clothes that were in fashion and that displayed his assets in the best possible way. He was a little disappointed that the pretty guy was probably some kind of no-homo dude bro but he stopped that train of thought. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to be out at work; he couldn’t imagine that police precincts were the most accepting work environments.

The pretty guy took a quick glance around, his blue eyes assessing, and took a seat next to Andrew, before rummaging in his bag to get a notebook and a pen.

The instructor called them to order and began roll call. The last name called was ‘Wesninski’. Pig had told Andrew that the son of the notorious gangster Nathan Wesninski had been accepted into the academy this year; apparently there had been several reviews of his application, with many people wanting to reject him because of his family ties.

“I go by Neil Josten, actually,” said the man beside Andrew. “I changed my name a while ago.”

“The stain’s still there even if you paint over it,” said a snide voice from the back of the room.

Neil looked over his shoulder. “Best practice is washing your walls before you paint them,” he said guilelessly.

Class moved on, but Neil had made an enemy. His name was Johnson and he was over six feet of douchebaggery. He made comments about Neil’s parentage as often as possible, questioned whether Neil used blood money to bribe his way into the academy, suggested that if he hadn’t paid his way in then he’d earned his way in on his knees, and insinuated that Neil was already corrupt.

Neil spent most of his time ignoring him, concentrating, or pretending to, on the instructor’s slides which showed a very diverse group of police officers being friendly and helping affluent and diverse members of the public, who always smiled happily. Andrew wondered if the person who had prepared this presentation had ever actually stepped foot outside.

On the fourth day, Neil lost his temper.

Johnson had just passed by their table and made a comment about Neil’s mother being a whore.

“You know, I get it,” said Neil. “You clearly have inadequacy issues based on the way you’re always compensating for something.” He trailed his eyes down Johnson’s form and smirked when they landed on his crotch. “But you having a small penis does not mean that I have to put up with this much of your bullshit. I’m sure you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind, although if this is your idea of flirting, then maybe not.” Johnson’s face went red. “I don’t know who told you that harassment was a valid flirting method, because it’s not. It’s just harassment. Which is a criminal offence. You’d know that if you’d been paying attention in class instead of trying to get my attention. My pity for your obvious inferiority complex only gets you so many concessions, and I reached my limit about three days ago. So please, please just shut the fuck up and leave me alone.”

Silence reigned through the classroom before several of their classmates laughed. Johnson opened his mouth a couple times like a fish.

Andrew was intrigued by Neil, who had seemed like a quiet child up until then. Johnson was gearing up to say more ugly things, so Andrew decided to head him off. “You keep harping on about how he’s just like his father,” he said, making almost everyone stare at him in shock. It was the first thing he’d said to anybody all week. “Yet you continue to antagonize him. Don’t you think that the son of the _Butcher_ might be talented with a knife?”

“I am, actually,” said Neil, a sharp, cruel smile taking over his face.

Johnson scoffed. “He’s tiny, he can’t hurt me.”

“As you should probably be aware,” said Andrew, sending a pointed look to Johnson’s crotch just as Neil had done earlier. “Size doesn’t matter, talent does.”

Neil laughed delightedly. “And those who have neither rely on being bullies,” he added.

Like many bullies, Johnson deflated when challenged, especially when the spectators didn’t seem to be on his side. He slunk away to his seat at the back.

“I don’t think that’s the last of him,” Andrew warned Neil.

“Probably not,” admitted Neil. “Although I think my plan to be nice to everyone so they’d forget who my father was has backfired.”

“You tried to be nice,” said Andrew. “You even said ‘please’.” The word still grated at Andrew, but he’d worked hard with his therapist to overcome the trigger that it used to be.

Neil smiled genuinely at him and he was pretty sure that his heart dropped into his shoes. “Well, thank you for your support,” said Neil. “It was pretty amazing.”

“Anytime,” said Andrew in a suddenly hoarse voice.

Neil started chatting with him then, small inconsequential small talk, but Andrew chatted back instead of ignoring him like he usually would. Somehow Neil was managing to keep his interest. _Uh oh_ , he thought as Neil made a joke and a colony of butterflies moved into his stomach, _this could be a problem_.


	10. Andrew and Neil’s first date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For AO3 user Andreil13, who wanted to see Andrew and Neil on a date, also [@kittyfeathersflying](https://tmblr.co/mC4dmjSkzlvJ4j6QNfsZUKQ) who wanted the moment when Neil realized Andrew liked him.

Andrew thought it was going pretty well. The food had been good, and the conversation had flowed naturally between them. Even when silences had fallen they had been natural; not awkward but the kind of easy silences that Andrew had grown accustomed to sharing with Neil.

Andrew had been on dates before - had even gone out with the same person multiple times - but it had never felt this relaxed. He knew that he was incredibly particular about the men he was willing to date (conversely, the ones he hooked up with only needed two things: to be hot and to respect his boundaries), but Neil seemed to be the rare unicorn that fell right into the middle of Andrew’s Venn diagram. Andrew found him interesting and could stand to be around him, he met the criteria for a hook up, and he was less than half a foot taller than Andrew (he didn’t like being loomed over).

They’d met on their first day at the police academy and Andrew had noticed his physical attractiveness right away, but it had been his spitfire personality that had truly caught Andrew’s attention. He’d been a little nervous about asking him out: Neil seemed to delight in sending mixed signals. Sometimes it seemed like he was flirting, sometimes he completely ignored Andrew’s advances. Still, he’d accepted Andrew’s invitation to dinner and had even dressed appropriately (following a pointed comment by Andrew who wanted to make sure that Neil wouldn’t show up in sweats).

He’d walked Neil home, Neil sending him puzzled glances from time to time, and they’d reached Neil’s apartment. Now was the time to make his move.

“Yes or no?” he asked.

“To what?” said Neil.

“To kiss you,” Andrew clarified.

Neil’s face slackened in shock. “You want to kiss me?” he asked. “But... but I thought you hated me!”

“I do,” replied Andrew simply, because he did. He should have been concentrating on getting through the academy, not spending all his time daydreaming about a red-headed loudmouthed asshole. “That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you.”

Neil gaped like a fish, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he was capable of uttering words. “You like me,” he said in realization.

“I thought I’d made that clear when I asked you on a date,” said Andrew.

“This is a _date_?!” cried Neil.

“Neil,” said Andrew with a calmness that he didn’t currently feel. “We went to a fancy restaurant. We wore nice clothes. We had a pleasant conversation and I paid for your food. Of course it was a date. Haven’t you ever been on a date before?”

“I don’t know,” said Neil. “I didn’t think I had, but apparently I might not have noticed. I estimate I’ve been on between zero and fifty dates. I’ve just never been interested in dating or any kind of romantic relationship.”

“This just keeps getting better and better.” Andrew scrubbed a hand over his face. “Well this has been embarrassing. Let’s pretend it never happened.” He turned to leave.

“Wait,” said Neil. “Just because I didn’t realize it was a date doesn’t mean it wasn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think about you all the time,” confessed Neil. “I thought it was just excitement over having a new friend, but maybe it’s something more. I don’t want to dismiss this just because it’s new.”

“You just said you’re not interested in dating,” Andrew pointed out.

“Maybe it’s different when it’s you,” said Neil with a shrug. “Anyway, my answer is yes.”

“Yes?” Andrew echoed.

“To the kiss,” said Neil. “I want to try. What’s the harm? If it doesn’t work out it’s not like we’re going to stop being friends, right?”

“Right,” said Andrew and drew closer. He cupped his hand around Neil’s neck and pulled his face down. “Don’t touch me,” he said before he leaned up into the kiss.

It was objectively a very bad kiss. Neil was obviously unpracticed, but he threw himself into it with the reckless abandon that Andrew recognized and admired from everything that he’d ever seen Neil do. He ended the kiss and closed his eyes, hoping that this wouldn’t be their last kiss; that he’d get the time to instruct Neil of how to kiss properly.

He pulled back to examine Neil’s face. Neil had a faintly surprised expression and had brought his hand up to his mouth, touching his lips in wonder. His eyes were warm.

“Yes?” asked Andrew, trying not to let his hope bleed into his tone.

“ _Yes_ ,” said Neil definitively, then smiled shyly. “Come inside?”


	11. Neil Discovers His Sexuality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> greta275 asked: People keep asking you about Andrew coming out in your b99AU,which I love,but I'm also just here wondering how Neil found out about being demi (or how he came out to Andrew,whichever you prefer) because I love my ace representation. Did he already know when he met Andrew or was he like "*accidentally opens an internet page about /demiasexuality* oh my god, wtf that's me"? Btw I love your fics! <3
> 
> Anonymous asked: hey i LIVE for your b99 fic i have your notifs on and everrrything. can you maybe write something about andrew/neil in the early stages of their relationship?

Andrew stepped out of the shower and dried off, before wrapping his towel around his waist and heading to his bedroom. He perused his closet, deciding on what to wear before shaking his head at himself. Neil was coming over for dinner - Andrew was going to show off his skills in the kitchen - for their sixth date. It was the highest number of dates that Andrew had ever had with the same person, but he felt that something was off. For their previous date, he’d worn his traditional ‘gettin’ laid’ outfit. Neil had sent his arms a few appreciative glances but hadn’t given Andrew the looks of lust that he was expecting. He was pretty sure that after knowing each other for months and going on five official dates they should have been at the blow job stage. Hand jobs at the minimum, but Neil’s desire seemed to be lacking.

Andrew wondered if maybe Neil wasn’t as attracted to him as he had said. They’d kissed multiple times and he’d seemed to enjoy that, but maybe he just felt pressured to do so when Andrew had pointed out that they were on a date. The thought of forcing Neil to do something he didn’t really want to made Andrew feel queasy and he knew he’d have to clear it up tonight.

Neil arrived a few minutes late and handed Andrew a crushed bouquet of flowers with a sheepish grin (”I’ve never dated anyone before, but the internet suggested flowers,”) and then spent a good half hour complaining about people on public transit. The strangers drawing today’s ire were a couple who couldn’t seem to keep their hands off each other and generally engaged in too much PDA for Neil’s liking.

“I don’t get it,” he huffed. “How hard can it be to just wait until they’re in private? How can they possibly _need_ to kiss _right then_?”

“While I agree with you, haven’t you ever lost some rationality because of lust?” asked Andrew. He could think of a few times that his need for privacy had been challenged by the need to get off as soon as possible.

“No?” said Neil. “I don’t understand why everybody can’t just hold it.”

“Hold it?”

“Yeah, like…” Neil paused thoughtfully. “Oh! I know. When you really have to pee, but you’re not near a washroom. You hold it.”

“Huh,” said Andrew. “What about when you’re really attracted to someone? You’ve never had to urge to just act on it immediately?”

“No,” said Neil looking surprised. “Have you?”

“Yes,” replied Andrew. “But I have very good self-control.”

“I’ve… I’ve had crushes before,” said Neil slowly. “But there’s never any immediacy.”

“Did you fantasize about them? Your crushes?”

Neil blushed a little. “Well, yeah,” he said. “Like kissing and being close to them.”

“But not sex?”

Neil was perplexed. “I didn’t _know_ them, not really,” he insisted. “Wouldn’t it just be really awkward?”

Andrew had a realization then, a few different things that Neil had said in the past slotting into place. When he’d been coming to grips with being gay he’d read a lot of literature about the effects of trauma on sexuality, and he’d come across descriptions of trauma-induced hypersexuality and asexuality. That had been the first time he’d heard those terms. 

At college he’d had a… friend was too strong a word… acquaintance who was in his degree program and who always partnered up with him whenever group projects were required. Her reasoning had always been that he was the only guy who had never checked out her boobs. She was asexual, she told him, and not interested in having sex with anybody, no matter how friendly and attractive she was to them. She never wanted to hear the word ‘friendzone’ again. Some of the things that Neil had just said reminded Andrew of her.

“Neil, are you ace?” he asked.

“Am I what?”

“Ace,” repeated Andrew. “Asexual.”

“I know what that word means with respect to plants, but not when applied to humans,” replied Neil.

Andrew huffed and dug out his laptop from under his coffee table. He opened it, did some googling, and handed it over. “Read this while I go make dinner,” he said. 

He had prepared most things ahead of time, so he popped the lasagna into the oven to heat up and finished chopping the vegetables for the salad. He heard a small “Oh,” sound from where he’d left Neil.

When he walked back over to the couch, Neil looked up at him. “So,” said Neil.

“So,” echoed Andrew. “Did that help?”

“I think so?” said Neil. “I’m not too fussed about it, really. This whole thing between us has been new for me, so I’m just rolling with what feels right. It’s not like I even knew that I was capable of being attracted to guys until you came along.” He paused and looked up at Andrew. “Does the fact that I’m probably somewhere on the ace-spectrum mean you don’t want to date me anymore?” 

“I don’t know,” said Andrew honestly. “I want to have sex with you eventually.”

Neil’s ears turned red. “Ummm… well, I’m not 100% sure that I _don’t_  want to have sex. We can try.”

“We’re not doing anything until you’re 100% sure you want to,” said Andrew harshly. “I’m never going to pressure you into anything, and I won’t let you let me by being passive.”

Neil met his eyes. “I like kissing you,” he said seriously. “In the past, I’ve always found kissing to be anticlimactic and not worth the effort. I told you before that I’ve never felt this way about anyone else, and that wasn’t a lie. You make me feel safe and comfortable. I want to see where this goes between us, but if you don’t want to we can stop right now.”

Andrew thought briefly about ending what they had and was surprised by how his brain immediately shied away from the thought. “I don’t want to stop,” he said.

“Okay,” said Neil. “Then we’ll figure it out as we go.”


	12. Neil and Andrew Have Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Heyy!! I really like your b99 au and i read the extra about neil's sexuality and now i'm curious about andreil's first time having sex, if you'd be interested in that. You dont have to write smut if it makes you uncomfortable, but maybe the build-up to it/decision to do it :)
> 
> Anonymous asked: Hey, I really love your b99AU! I was wonderring, does Neil still have scars from his father before witness protection? Because I’ve always thought of Neil’s scars as the symbol of his vulnerability (for lack of a better term) so him showing them to Andrew always sticks with me even in fanfics. You don’t have to write something about it though, I’m just wondering :) hope you’re having a nice day 
> 
> warnings: referenced sex, scars, reference to child abuse, mentioned self-harm

They worked up to it. Neil was all gung ho after they discussed his likely asexuality, throwing himself into a challenge headfirst like always, but Andrew found himself a little gun-shy. It was a lot of pressure, being Neil’s first experience with any kind of sexual activity. What if Andrew couldn’t make it good for him, and he didn’t like it, and he never wanted to do it again, and it was _all Andrew’s fault_? It left him feeling unsure and a little off balance and definitely not ready to take things farther.

So they worked up to it.

The first step was to remove their shirts. They’d made out plenty of times, so Andrew didn’t think shirtless making out was that big a step, but Neil was suddenly biting his lip and avoiding eye contact.

“We don’t have to do this,” said Andrew.

“I know,” replied Neil. “I want to. It’s just… not pretty under there.”

Andrew just waited, because he knew that this was something Neil had to decide for himself. And it was not as if he didn’t understand. Neil knew of his self-harm scars and the reasons for them, but Andrew still tended to keep them covered by his armbands.

Neil took a deep breath and removed his shirt. When Andrew got a glimpse of the scars on his torso he was grateful that it was harder for him to show emotion than it was to hide it. He’d noticed that Neil took comfort in his blankness and apparent apathy whenever he admitted anything about his awful childhood.

“Can I?” he asked, reaching a hand towards the most obvious scar. Neil nodded and inhaled sharply when Andrew lay his palm across the hot iron scar. His fingers fell almost exactly onto the white circular marks from the holes in the iron. He ran his hands over the other scars - mostly slash marks - and noticed as Neil became less and less tense the longer he explored.

He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. Neil wouldn’t appreciate anger or trite assurances. He was relaxing under Andrew’s indifference, so Andrew ran his palm up his chest and cupped his neck.

“Yes or no?” he asked.

“Yes,” breathed Neil, leaning in to Andrew’s kiss.

They didn’t go any farther that night.

* * *

The next thing they tackled was sleeping together. Andrew had never shared his bed while sleeping before and he wasn’t sure how he’d react. 

It was… nice, he supposed. He liked having Neil close by radiating warmth, instead of off doing something ridiculous. Neil was a very still sleeper; he explained that he’d shared a bed with his mother into his teenage years. She’d slept wrapped around him, keeping him close out of paranoia, and had trained all the fidgeting out of him. Andrew did not have to ask how.

Andrew slept with his back to the wall, like normal, and Neil slept with his back to Andrew. Sometime during the night Andrew had moved a little, as when he woke he found himself plastered against Neil’s back. He didn’t move away.

Neil blinked awake not long after Andrew. His brow wrinkled in confusion. “Huh,” he said. “That’s new.”

“What is?” asked Andrew.

Neil just looked down, blushing a little at the tent in his boxers.

“Hmmm,” said Andrew. “Want me to take care of that for you?”

“Yeah,” breathed Neil. “What about you?”

Andrew rubbed himself against Neil’s hip. “This okay?”

“Yes.”

“Pass me the lube?” asked Andrew, indicating his bedside table.

“Lube?” asked Neil, but passed it over regardless.

“Seriously, you just masturbate with your dry hand?”

Neil lifted his shoulder. “I don’t really do it all that often. Sometimes in my morning showers after I run.”

“Ugh, exercise gets you hot, doesn’t it?” muttered Andrew, lubing up his hand.

* * *

They were watching a documentary when Andrew looked over at Neil and asked, “Can I blow you?”

“Uh, sure,” said Neil, a little uncomfortably.

“So, no then,” concluded Andrew.

“No, it’s not a no,” argued Neil. “I guess I’m just unsure what exactly you get out of that.”

“I like being in control,” said Andrew. “I like taking care of you. I like making you feel good. I like holding you steady and watching you fall apart.”

Neil’s pupils dilated. “O-okay,” he said. “I mean, yes.”

Later, Neil was lying languidly across Andrew’s bed. “So that was sex,” he said, sounding almost dreamy.

“That was a blowjob,” Andrew corrected.

“Oral _sex_ , Andrew,” said Neil with a smirk.

“It was good?” confirmed Andrew.

“It was good,” said Neil. “We can do it again sometime.”

“Would you ever want more?”

“Probably eventually,” said Neil. “Would you ever let me reciprocate?”

Andrew thought about it. “Probably eventually,” he said.

“Good,” said Neil, smiling. “We can work our way up to it.”


	13. Neil Jumps Out Of A Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: oh wow at all the B99 au extra content!! and now on AO3 too. this is pure heaven and you are a goddess!! <3 but rereading brought sth to mind. neil has jumped out of a second story window to escape a social situation (and apparently andrew has enough experience now to lock him up to force social situations on him *cough-meeting the parents-cough* ) sooo what was that situation???

They were in one of their classmates’ parents’ apartments, celebrating graduation. Andrew was there for networking purposes - he personally didn’t care but Pig had bribed him with ice cream to try to make friendly acquaintances within the department - but he had no idea who had convinced Neil to come. Neil was excellent at slipping out of social engagements that he didn’t want to attend.

It was possible of course that Neil was here because Andrew was here - they’d been dating for a couple months and against all odds it seemed to be going well - but despite the fact that Neil was often able to act like a mostly well-adjusted human when it was just the two of them, he seemed to only have two modes while around others: either argumentative asshole or deer-in-the-headlights.

He was currently displaying the latter as one of their female classmates (Andrew thought her name might be Melissa, but he literally couldn’t care less) attempted to chat him up. Andrew had already been witness to many people attempting to pick Neil up - he really was extraordinarily pretty - and every time had ended the same. As soon as Neil noticed the flirting he not-so-subtly started looking for an exit.

“They show classic movies in the park on Saturdays,” she was saying. “I was thinking-”  


“Hold that thought,” said Neil, cutting her off. “I just saw someone who I absolutely have to talk to.” He peeled away from her, leaving her looking a little shellshocked.  


Andrew gave him thirty seconds before he followed, pushing open the door to an off-limits room. Neil had already pushed open the window and had one leg out of it. He froze when Andrew entered, but relaxed when he saw who it was.

“Really?” asked Andrew. “You’re jumping out the window.”  


“It’s a perfectly legitimate way to get out of that conversation,” said Neil sheepishly.  


“Why not just leave through the door?”  


“She’d notice!” said Neil, affronted, as if she wouldn’t notice that he never returned to the conversation.  


“You are the most ridiculous person,” mused Andrew. “I really shouldn’t like you as much as I do.”  


Neil grinned, which helped Andrew remember why he was so attracted to him. “You’re just jealous that you didn’t think of this.”

“I’m not jumping out of a second story window,” said Andrew.  


“Why not? It’s not that high. I’m not going to hurt myself.” Neil looked down. “Probably,” he amended.  


“If you injure your fool ass I’m not taking you to the hospital,” Andrew warned.  


“Don’t be like that. You’re fond of my ass,” Neil said. “Besides, this party is terrible. Wanna get out of here?”  


“Fine, but I’m leaving by the door.”  


“Race you!” Neil said and dropped out of the window.  


Andrew rolled his eyes and left the room, heading towards the exit. Next time he had to force Neil to socialize he was going to make sure that there were no easy escape routes. 


	14. Neil Meets Kevin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: I just want you to know how much I love everything you've written for the aftg fandom, you're really amazing! Also, if you don't mind a writing prompt, I'm kinda curious abt how Andrew and Neil met Kevin in your b99 AU. Like, was it during police academy or was it when Neil started working with him or what? I just love how you write them and their relationship, it's so funny XD have a nice day!

Andrew’s been waiting at the restaurant for about fifteen minutes when Neil bustles in, looking like the human disaster he is. Andrew can’t even find it in himself to be annoyed; he hasn’t seen Neil for _weeks_  and he can’t ignore the warm happiness that rolls through him at the sight of his ridiculous face. They’ve both recently started their jobs: they’re working at different precincts and they’re both alternating nights and days, so it’s been almost impossible to see each other lately. Even now, Neil’s coming directly from work and Andrew’s going on shift after they eat.

Neil looks around and gives him a gorgeous smile when he catches his eye, rushing over and apologizing for his lateness.

“If I wanted to eat with someone punctual, I wouldn’t have invited you,” says Andrew, kissing Neil’s cheek in greeting. It’s still strange, showing affection in public, but right now their recent separation makes him not care as much.

Neil laughs and takes a seat. They catch up with each other; they’ve been texting, but it’s mostly just been assuring the other that they’re still alive.

“How’s your partner?” Neil asks.

“I like her,” says Andrew, much to Neil’s surprise. Andrew has a sneaking suspicion that Pig pulled some strings to get him partnered with someone compatible: Renee Walker is competent, nice without being invasive, and clearly has a dark past. They work together well. “How’s yours?”

“Oh my god,” groans Neil, dramatic as always. “He’s the _worst_ , Andrew. He’s a perfectionist that finds fault with everything I do. Seriously, I think he ate all the police procedural manuals and he spends all his time vomiting them up. And what he hasn’t vomited up is clearly trapped in his ass because he definitely has _something_  shoved up there.”

Andrew allows himself to tease Neil. “So, he’s your new best friend, then?”

Neil scoffs. “I’m pretty sure he hates me just as much as I hate him. I can’t wait until the probationary period is over so I can request a partner change.”

“Don’t worry,” Andrew assures him. “I’m sure in ten years time you won’t even remember his name.”

“Kevin Day,” says Neil with a scowl. “Hopefully soon he’ll just be a bad memory.”


	15. How Kevin and Neil Became Friends (Exy. It Was Because of Exy)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: In one of your other posts Neil hates Kevin when they first meet so if you don’t mind could you write something about how they become friends? Thanks so much, everything you write is absolutely amazing I’ve read all your writing at least twice!

They were sitting silently in the squad car, glaring out their separate windows. Neil was annoyed. He was trying his best not to engage with his pain-in-the-ass partner, but they’d had an argument about who was going to drive, because Kevin drove like he was ninety-seven and half blind inching himself to the grocery store, and Neil drove like a normal person. Or, as Kevin claimed, Neil drove like a toddler who’d taken acid instead of his ADHD medication.

Kevin had then brought up some arcane rule from the department’s handbook, which had _miraculously_ sided with him. Neil couldn’t dispute it, so Kevin was driving and Neil was pouting. And they had to sit here for _hours._

They were helping a detective with his case: staking out a suspect’s home in their obvious police cruiser in order for the less conspicuous detectives to survey whether the suspected accomplice would do anything incriminating.

Kevin phone gave off an alert and he surreptitiously checked it, sending a guilty look at Neil.

“Oh, is that a _personal message_?” Neil asked acidly, still sore from last week when Kevin had tried to confiscate his phone because he’d replied to a text from Andrew.

Kevin swore colourfully enough that Neil was a little alarmed, despite himself. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” said Kevin quietly, almost bashfully. “Except the Trojans lost.”

“The… you mean in exy?” asked Neil. “The Trojans _lost_?”

“ _I know_ ,” said Kevin. “I have Dermott in my fantasy league and I was counting on those points!”

“Is your fantasy league any good?” asked Neil curiously. “I haven’t been able to find one that isn’t filled with douchebags.”

“Yeah, I run it,” replied Kevin. “I try to weed out the jerks.”

“Clearly not all of them,” said Neil, but he was teasing. “Since you’re there and everything.”

Kevin just shook his head. “Do you play?”

“I used to, in high school,” said Neil. “But my college didn’t have a team.”

“That’s too bad, I played all through college.” He hesitated. “It’s weird to find another fan; everyone at work seems more into basketball and baseball.”

“I _know_ ,” groaned Neil. “And baseball is the _worst_! No body-checking at all!”

“You know,” said Kevin slyly, “my mom is Kayleigh Day.”

“No way, _the_ Kayleigh Day?” asked Neil, incredulous.

Kevin nodded and launched into a story. Their shift together passed quickly.

* * *

“Hey,” said Neil breathlessly into his phone. “Sorry I missed your call. I was out.”

“You were out?” asked Andrew. “That doesn’t sound like you at all.”

“I know,” said Neil. “But Kevin and I went to a pub to watch the Trojans game.”

“The pub? Kevin? Who’s Kev… your partner Kevin? Who you hate?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Neil sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “He’s not so bad. He likes exy.”

Andrew grunted. “Of course that’s what it took for you to like him, you junkie.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure I fell for you when I found out you used to play,” teased Neil. “You should be grateful for my exysexuality.”

“Your exysexuality,” repeated Andrew dryly. “So you’re attracted to Kevin now?”

“Ew,” said Neil. “Let’s not get carried away.”


	16. Tales Of the Dumpter Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lover-of-fairytails asked: Hey could you do a fic for your b99 au about Andrew telling his parents that he's dating/in a relationship with Neil, and Higgins recognizing his name for the human disater/great cop he is? Thanks I love this au, it's awesome!!!

“Neil and I are moving in together,” announced Andrew during his monthly visit to his parents.

“I’m so happy for you,” said Bee instantly. 

“Are you finally going to tell us his last name?” asked Pig.

“He’s entitled to his privacy,” said Bee, “but, yes, I’d like to meet your young man, especially now that you’re getting so serious.”

“I promise I won’t run him through the system,” said Pig.

That wasn’t actually Andrew’s concern. He hadn’t mentioned Neil’s last name because he was sure that if Pig knew that he was a police officer he would somehow magically find himself running into Neil at work.

“Josten,” he said, because he’d already decided that Neil was coming with him for his visit next month. Neil was not going to handle that well, so it was better if his parents were prepared.

“Now why does that sound familiar…” muttered Pig. “Wait, Neil Josten? From the one-two? Partners with Kevin Day?”

“Why do you know that offhand?” asked Andrew suspiciously.

“Are you kidding? After all the stories that Browning tells me about Day and Josten? I can never tell if he’s just pulling my leg. Is it true that someone threw a possum at them to stop them from pursuing a suspect?”

“Yes,” said Andrew. “Neil had to get a rabies shot.”

“And they cracked an unsolvable case by mistake?”

“They were having a slap fight and Kevin misstepped and literally fell face first onto some evidence.”

“Wow,” said Pig.

“Yeah,” said Andrew. 

“But they’re good at their jobs!”

“I don’t understand it either. Apart they’re both human disasters, and put together they’re… a dumpster fire. A dumpster fire that is a strangely competent police officer.”

“Huh,” said Pig.

“Well I can’t wait to meet him,” said Bee.

“He’s going to be a disaster,” warned Andrew. “He’s nervous around parents and authority figures.”

“Is that thing about Day and Josten randomly bumping into their suspect on the subway - which they were only taking because they accidentally locked their keys in their squad car - true?” asked Pig.

“I’ll save you some time, Pig,” said Andrew. “Every absurd story is true. Every. Single. One.”


	17. Neil Meets Andrew's Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> booksarethedream asked: I was wondering if you were interested in writing when Neil first met Higgins and Betsy as Andrew’s parents? No doubt that Neil had met Higgins before, being an important police guy. That’d be so great honestly.

“What do you _mean_ your mother is a psychiatrist and your father is _Captain Phil Higgins_?” shrieked Neil in disbelief. He glanced around frantically.

Andrew made sure the doors were locked. He was pretty sure that Neil would do almost anything to get out of meeting his parents, up to and including launching himself out of the car into traffic. In order to prevent Neil from prolonged panic he hadn’t told him where they were going or what his parents did for a living until they were already on their way to dinner with them. “Calm down,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You’re being melodramatic.”

“ _I’m_ being melodramatic?” asked Neil. “You didn’t even tell me that I was going to meet them! I’ve had no time to acclimate.”

“Or, more likely, come up with a million excuses to miss dinner,” said Andrew.

“I could have asked Kevin to shoot me on our last assignment,” said Neil thoughtfully. Andrew gave him a dirty look. “What? There’s lots of non-fatal places he could have shot me. I’m sure it can’t hurt _that_ much.”

“We’ve been dating for almost two years,” Andrew pointed out. “We’re moving in together next month. It’s time for you to meet my parents. My mother is half-convinced that I’ve made you up.”

“Really?”

“She refers to you as ‘Andrew’s jackalope’,” Andrew said dryly.

Neil gaped. “She thinks I’m a myth?” His breathing was getting too fast.

“Neil,” said Andrew sharply. “List something.”

“Bigfoot, Loch Ness monster, jackalope…”

“Are you listing cryptids?” Andrew asked in amusement.

Neil nodded, and continued, “Chupacabra, yeti, cassowary…”

“Cassowaries are real,” corrected Andrew.

“No way,” argued Neil. “It’s a half-emu, half-velociraptor.”

“And real,” said Andrew. “In Australia.”

“Ugh, Australia,” complained Neil. “I should have known that the evil murder bird comes from the land where all the wildlife wants to kill me.”

“It is pretty different from here,” conceded Andrew, “where only the people who can understand what you’re saying want to kill you.”

“So it’s going to go super well when I meet your parents, then?” asked Neil, his unease bleeding through his sarcasm.

“It’s going to be fine,” said Andrew.

Neil was quiet for a few moments. “I want them to like me,” he said in a small voice.

“They’ll like you.”

Neil scoffed. “My _own_ parents don’t like me. And there’s no way that my mother will ever, ever approve of or like _you_.”

“Yes, well,” started Andrew, not wanting to start an argument by telling Neil his opinion of his mother, “my parents are reasonable, well-adjusted human beings who want what’s best for me.”

“All the more reason for them not to like me.”

“Neil,” said Andrew with surety. “They’ll like you because I like you. Stop worrying.”

“Oh,” said Neil, immediately falling into a teasing voice, “you _like_ me, do you?”

Andrew glared. “Less every minute,” he said. “Go back to listing cryptids.”

“Umm… kraken, hellhounds, Jersey Devil…”

“Bunyips and yowie are Australian cryptids,” offered Andrew.

“Did you know that there’s a cryptid in Africa called a Dingonek that’s described as a jungle walrus?”

“That sounds almost as ridiculous as you are.”

Later, after Neil had stuttered through a list of all the orchids he knew, managed to have a stilted conversation with Phil without hyperventilating, and probably broken all the bones in Andrew’s hand by gripping it so hard, Betsy pulled him aside.

“You don’t have to be so nervous, Neil,” she said kindly. “We were always bound to like you.”

“But, _why_?” demanded Neil. “After everything he’s told you about me, after the way I’ve acted tonight, you _must_ be aware that I’m a giant disaster.”

“Well, yes,” admitted Betsy, momentarily taken aback by Neil’s sudden self-aware honesty. “But you make him happy,” she said fondly, glancing over her shoulder where Andrew was chatting with Phil, “and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for him.”

“Oh,” said Neil stupidly.

Betsy smiled at him and squeezed his bicep. “Welcome to the family,” she said.


	18. Andrew Loves Space part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: I LOVE b99 AU it’s fanTABULOUS. I would LOVE to read more about Giant Space Nerd Andrew because that is the most precious thing I have ever heard

“Sooooo….” said Neil. “This is your childhood bedroom.”  


“You wanted to see it,” said Andrew. “Now you’ve seen it, so we can leave.”  


Neil ignored him and started surveying the room. “You certainly have a lot of books about space… and posters with hot guys in space… and glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling.” He craned his neck to get a good look.

“Those were Bee’s idea,” said Andrew. “So that when I woke up in the night I’d immediately know I was somewhere safe.”

“Awww,” cooed Neil. “Are you trying to distract me from focussing on tiny gay space nerd baby Andrew by bringing up your tragic backstory?”  


“I’m not a nerd. I’m a cool, terrifying badass.”  


“Sure you are,” said Neil in amusement. “Hit the lights, I want to stargaze.”  


Andrew heaved a put-upon sigh, but hit the light switch as requested. Then he reluctantly joined Neil on his bed to look up at the ceiling.

Neil squinted. “Did you actually make the correct constellations?”

“What would be the point, otherwise?”  


“Do you know what I just realized?” Neil asked with a grin. “We have a cross-clique relationship. I’m a jock, you’re a nerd…”

“You’re ridiculous.”  


“Okay, wow me with your smarts,” Neil said, settling back. “I only know a couple constellations, like the cleaver and the switchblade.”

“Those aren’t real constellations. You’re pointing at the big dipper,” said Andrew.  


“Oh,” said Neil. “Huh. I guess we circled around to _my_  tragic backstory.” He jostled Andrew with his shoulder. “Teach me the actual constellations?”  


Andrew rolled his eyes, but started pointing out the shapes in the stars. After a couple minutes, he noticed that Neil wasn’t looking where he was pointing but was just gazing at him sappily.

“You ever bring a boy here to make out under the stars?” asked Neil in an undertone.  


“Really? You’re into the nerd thing?”  


“I think it’s just you I’m into,” said Neil. “Now. Talk more about things that interest you.”  



	19. Dog or Boyfriend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kittyfeathersflying asked: For your b99 au, how about kevin and andrews first meeting?

“…and the monkey was just _watching me_ ,” said Kevin.  


“Uh huh,” said Neil, not paying attention. He was watching the door of the diner avidly, waiting for Andrew’s arrival.  


“You aren’t listening at all,” pouted Kevin.  


“Of course I am,” said Neil. “You were saying how all primates hate you.”

Andrew entered, glancing around before he caught Neil’s eye and came over to Kevin and Neil’s table. Neil stood to greet him, knowing that Andrew would prefer to sit on the inside of the booth.

“Hi,” said Neil. “Glad you’re here.”  


Kevin looked up curiously, his brow wrinkled in confusion. “Who is this? What’s going on?”

Neil looked at him in exasperation. “This is my boyfriend,” he said. Although he respected Andrew’s desire for privacy, he’d begun to find it difficult to never mention his home life to Kevin while they were at work. Andrew had agreed that Neil could disclose their relationship.

“You have a boyfriend?” asked Kevin incredulously.  


Andrew raised an eyebrow and took a seat at the table, picking up the menu and ignoring Kevin.

“Why are you surprised?” asked Neil, taking his seat beside Andrew. “I’ve been telling you about him for months! I told you that we were meeting him for lunch today!”  


“No you didn’t,” said Kevin defensively.  


“Yes I did!” said Neil. “I’ve told you all about Andrew.”  


Kevin paused. “I thought Andrew was your dog.”

“What?”  


“You said that you take him running in the park every morning,” said Kevin.  


“Of course I do,” said Neil. “He needs to keep up his cardio training and he’d never go if I didn’t take him.”  


“You said he growls at strangers!”  


Andrew looked up and growled at Kevin. Neil was certain that no one else could see the gleam of amusement in his eye.

“Neil, you told me a story where Andrew was almost hit by a car because he was chasing a mailman,” said Kevin.  


“He’s a police officer,” said Neil. “That mailman was stealing people’s mail.”  


Kevin looked lost. “Oh!” he said, hitting the table. “Last week we passed that pet store that had a sign that said that dog food was on sale and you said that that reminded you that you had to buy something for Andrew’s dinner.”

“Yeah, seeing the word ‘food’ reminded me of that,” said Neil.   


“…Your dog’s your boyfriend?” asked Kevin.  


“Uh,” said the server, stopping next to their table. “I can come back later?”  


“No need,” said Andrew. “I’ll have the club sandwich with a side of fries.”  


“Yeah, me too,” said Neil distractedly.  


“No, he’ll have a side garden salad with house dressing,” corrected Andrew.  


“Right, thanks,” said Neil. He hated eating too many carbs at lunch.  


“Grilled salmon,” said Kevin faintly, still watching Neil. “Are you sure Andrew’s not a dog?” he asked as the server left.  


“I have pretty compelling evidence,” said Neil. “For example  _he is sitting beside me and is quite clearly a man_.”

“Wait,” said Kevin. “Does this mean that whenever Lakes talks about Mr. Boots curling up in a sunbeam she’s not talking about a cat but about her secret boyfriend?”  


“I hope not,” said Andrew, speaking up for the first time.  


“This is so unexpected,” said Kevin. “I didn’t even know you were gay.”  


“I’m not,” replied Neil, “but my boyfriend is.”

“How long have you been together?” asked Kevin politely.

“Three years,” said Neil.  


“And you’re just introducing me now?”  


“Well, Neil’s been doggedly hounding me to meet you,” said Andrew dryly, “but I’m a shy puppy.”

There was a brief awkward silence.

“Guess what?” said Neil brightly. “He used to play exy.”  


Kevin’s attention snapped to Andrew. “We’re going to be friends,” he said earnestly. 


	20. Wymack? Wymack Who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: omg those B99 extras are absolute love!! I don't ever want this AU to be done. but like, wymack's and andrew's first meeting? since phil and wymack are friends, wymack had to have met andrew before? or was he, too, surprised later? I have Theories and I want this so much.

After the meal, Wymack excuses himself to go have a smoke on the back porch. The view is familiar, he and Abby have been coming to Betsy and Phil’s for monthly dinners for as long as they’ve been married since Betsy and Abby are best friends from college.

The door closes ominously behind him and he turns.

“Andrew,” he says, surprised to see his friends’ son. “I didn’t know you were here.” He doesn’t live with his parents anymore, but Wymack has known him for years, having met him shortly after Betsy and Phil had started fostering him.

“I came to talk to you,” says Andrew. “I’ve been assigned to the nine-nine.”

“Yes, I know,” replies Wymack, obviously aware that his friends’ son has been assigned as his new detective. “I’m looking forward to working with you.”

“You don’t know me,” says Andrew.

“What?”

“You’ve never met me before,” Andrew continues, raising an eyebrow. “I’m a stranger and you know nothing about my personal life.”

Wymack raises his eyebrow in return. He’s heard stories from Phil about how Andrew refuses to acknowledge him as his father in a professional setting. “So I don’t know anything about you… not about your parents, or your history, or your boyfriend…?”

Andrew scowls. “You don’t know about him, and he doesn’t know about you.”

“You haven’t ever mentioned me or Abby to him?”

“Of course not,” says Andrew. “We’re strangers,” he finishes decisively, and slinks back inside.

Wymack just shakes his head at what Abby calls their godson’s eccentricity.

The next day at work, he shakes Andrew’s hand. “David Wymack,” he introduces himself. “You must be Andrew Minyard?”

“Nice to meet you, sir,” replies Andrew. Wymack internally rolls his eyes.


	21. How Neil and Andrew got engaged and married on the same day

Neil was lounging on the couch. It was a Tuesday, but he’d only recently gotten out of the hospital so he was on sick leave for the next two weeks as he recovered from his pneumonia. It was ridiculous, of course. He was _fine_.

Andrew seemed to vehemently disagree with that statement. He had taken a week of personal days off from work and was looking after Neil, albeit in a grumpy fashion. He glared silently at Neil as he prevented him from going jogging or making his own meals or getting off the couch so that Neil was Very Aware that he was not yet forgiven for his recent hospitalization.

Andrew walked into the room, dressed more nicely than was expected for a lazy day at home and clicked off the rerun of the exy game that was playing.

“Hey,” Neil protested. “I was watching that.”

“Shut up and get in the car,” Andrew said. “We’re getting married.”

Neil stared in shock for a couple seconds. Then he kicked out his socked foot feebly at Andrew’s midsection. Andrew caught it easily.

“Oh, go die,” said Neil crossly. “You _jerk_.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow, but otherwise ignored Neil’s childish outburst. “I laid out appropriate clothes for you on the bed. Go get changed.”

Neil freed his foot from Andrew’s hands and jerked to his feet. “You knew I was planning on proposing,” he accused. At Andrew’s blank look, his brow furrowed in confusion. “You didn’t?”

“No,” said Andrew.

“Oh, well, you should have,” said Neil while walking into their bedroom. “I wasn’t being subtle.” He continued talking as he got changed into the clothes that Andrew had selected. “It was going to be all romantic and shit,” he said. “It was going to be on our anniversary.”

“We don’t have an anniversary.”

“Well the anniversary of the day that I realized you were attracted to me.”

“You mean the day that I finally gave your oblivious ass a clue by blatantly telling you that I would blow you?” asked Andrew.

“Yeah,” said Neil, pulling his shirt into place. “And I would have proposed by saying something like, ‘Now you can blow me forever.’” Andrew looked supremely unimpressed and Neil grimaced. “Or hopefully I could have come up with something better than that. I didn’t think it all the way through.”

“‘I didn’t think it all the way through’ should be the title of your memoir,” said Andrew as he stepped forward to adjust Neil’s clothing. “Now let’s go.”

Once they were in the car, Neil had questions.

“Don’t you need to get a license to get married?” he asked.

“I’ve taken care of everything,” said Andrew. “All the paperwork has been filled out and we have an appointment with an officiant.”

“I didn’t need to sign anything?”

“You did,” said Andrew. “You signed it last week.”

“When I was hallucinating?”

“At first they wouldn’t let me in to see you because I wasn’t family,” said Andrew, anger seeping into his voice. “I’m not going to let that happen again.”

Neil hummed in understanding before resuming his questions. “Don’t we need a witness?”

“Kevin’s meeting us there.”

“Are you going to tell your parents?”

“I already texted Bee this morning,” said Andrew.

“What exactly did you text her?” asked Neil suspiciously.

“I wrote, ‘After today, Neil will no longer be my boyfriend.’”

“You’re awful,” said Neil, fondly. “How did she respond to that?”

“She said, ‘Congratulations! We’ll celebrate your marriage with cake when the two of you come for dinner on Sunday.’”

“She knows you well,” observed Neil. “Are you sure you don’t want her there?”

“The wedding itself doesn’t matter,” said Andrew. “It doesn’t need to be a spectacle. Marriage is a partnership built on trust and consent and understanding. As far as I’m concerned, we’re already married. But apparently we need a piece of paper to convince the state that we are, so that when the idiot I’ve chosen to spend my life with ends up in the hospital I will be notified. The only celebration that I want to share with my parents will be on Sunday, with cake.”

Andrew parked the car outside of city hall and turned to Neil. “Yes or no?” he asked.

“Yes,” replied Neil. “ _Obviously_.”

Kevin was waiting for them in the lobby, looking harassed. “You couldn’t have given me more that an hour’s notice?” he asked peevishly.

“You got more warning than I did,” said Neil.

“Kevin, you’re never to tell anyone about this without permission or else I will distribute every single picture and video that Neil has of you to everyone in the department,” said Andrew.

“I have a video of you dancing the chicken dance from when we had to blend in at that wedding,” added Neil.

Kevin went white. “You promised me that you would delete that,” he said in horror.

“I’m never deleting it,” said Neil. “It’s comedy gold.”

“And useful blackmail material,” supplied Andrew.

“It’s completely acceptable to dance the chicken dance at a wedding,” defended Kevin.

“This is a wedding,” Neil pointed out.

“We’ll play the video when we get home,” said Andrew.

“You two are the worst,” said Kevin. “You deserve each other.”

Andrew led them to the service counter.

“We would like one marriage,” said Neil when they got there.

“We have an appointment,” added Andrew. The three of them were led into the chapel where they met an officiant who asked for their names and got them to sign the appropriate forms before launching into a prepared speech.

“Skip to the end,” Andrew interrupted him.

“Oh,” said the man, surprised. “Okay. Andrew, do you take Neil-”

“Yes,” Andrew interrupted again.

“Um,” said the officiant.

“Move along,” said Andrew.

“Uh, Neil, do you take Andrew-”

“Yes,” Neil interrupted.

The officiant stuttered a little.

“We’re married now,” prompted Neil.

“Yes, you may now kiss each other,” said the officiant.

“Not in public,” said Andrew. “That’s not for your eyes.”

“Uh, okay,” said the very confused officiant. “Then I guess I proclaim you married.”

“No take backs,” said Neil.

“Well, that’s over with,” said Andrew. “Let’s go.”

“Mazel tov,” said Kevin dryly.


	22. Neil’s relationship with his mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [@wesawbeasts](https://tmblr.co/miElAdcfjhpOmIYn6zrWFdA) asked for more info about Andrew saying that he went to his mother-in-law’s funeral. I have quite a bit of background information about both Neil and Andrew’s childhoods that I never managed to work into my Brooklyn Nine-Nine series because I couldn’t find a way to include it comedically. If anyone is interested in me writing up the other stuff (Andrew’s adoption, his first meeting with Aaron, what happened to Tilda, Nicky’s past), let me know.
> 
> Warnings: child abuse, postpartum depression and mentions of killing babies, undiagnosed mental disorders, mentions of suicide, parental illness, parental death (let me know if I forgot to tag anything)

Mary Hatford never wanted children, but she married a mob boss and he wanted a legacy, so. When Nathaniel was born he was tiny and helpless and she couldn’t help but think about it all the time. She could kill him so easily. A slip of the hand, and oops. No more Nathaniel. She looked at him as if he were a specimen, a thing, and she felt almost no connection to him.

His nanny watched her like a hawk whenever she came close to the baby, but it wasn’t very often. She had no interest in him until he was about two. Then he looked like an actual human, tiny though he was, and she wanted to protect him.

She did a poor job. Her husband was angry and cruel and annoyed by everything, but especially Nathaniel. She watched the abuse he meted out and scolded Nathaniel afterwards for provoking him. She was never sure what the actual straw was that broke the camel’s back, but when Nathaniel was ten she took him into the closest FBI field office and offered that the two of them would tell them anything they wanted to know about her husband’s businesses in exchange for protection.

In witness protection, Nathaniel became Neil and she became Marielle Josten, just a normal single mother living with her son. Her husband only lasted a year in prison before he was killed by a rival, but that didn’t ease her worries. Some of his former employees had escaped the mass arrests.

In later years, Neil realized that his mother must have had a couple undiagnosed mental disorders. He didn’t know enough to try and guess what they were, but she was paranoid and anxious. Some days she couldn’t get out of bed and others she couldn’t sleep. She was incredibly strict, punishing him harshly for any time he didn’t follow the arbitrary rules she imposed.

He was not allowed friends or any activity outside of the house that wasn’t school. He had learned the hard way not to ignore these rules; the first time he played hooky and ended up at a potential friend’s house a group of FBI officers had broken in to retrieve him. His mother had called them and reported him kidnapped.

As he grew older he chafed more and more under her rules, until he decided to apply to the police academy. He had expected a big blow out, like the fight they had had when he was fifteen and adamant that he didn’t want to share a bed with her anymore. That fight had lasted months, but she had eventually given in.

When he announced that he’d been accepted to train as a police officer she just stared at him blankly.

“I should have smothered you when you were a baby,” she said absently. “Then you would have been safe from them.”

He didn’t have to ask who ‘them’ was. It was everyone who wasn’t him or her.

He felt vaguely guilty when he moved out, but knew that it was for the best. He kept in touch as best he could, visiting her every couple months and calling periodically. She always tried to convince him that the world wasn’t safe, that he needed to move back in with her. 

She met Andrew only once. She very clearly hated him instantly and threatened to gut him for bringing danger to her son. Neil decided to keep them apart after that.

Neil was at his work desk when he got the call. She was in the hospital. Apparently, when she’d seemed fine on the outside she’d had death growing inside of her. Cancer. He got the information about which hospital she was at and went to sit with her while she waited for her test results. She looked tiny when he got there, and bright yellow with jaundice. She hadn’t been able to keep any food down for a week. She didn’t trust the doctors and was making life as difficult as possible for them.

The results came back positive. Pancreatic cancer. Neil did a quick google search and found that the five year survival rate was less than 5%. Six to eight months to live, the doctor said. Neil didn’t cry.

“I made tacos,” said Andrew when Neil arrived home that night. He walked out of the kitchen and took in Neil’s thousand-yard-stare. “What’s wrong?”

“My mother is dying. Cancer.”

Andrew didn’t respond verbally but drew closer and curled his hand around the back of Neil’s neck.

“I’m sad, I think,” said Neil. “Sad? Mostly sad. But also kind of relieved?”

Andrew just watched him steadily.

“I always assumed that when I got the call it would be because she hurt herself, or someone else. This seems better than that. Is that selfish? It feels selfish.”

“You’re allowed to feel whatever you want to feel.”

“I think I’m also relieved that she’s going to get to rest. She’s been so unhappy for probably my entire life.”

Mary lived for another seven months. The last week and a half she was so drugged up for the pain that she was rarely conscious. Both Betsy and Andrew stressed to Neil that if he wanted to say anything to her before she was gone then he had to do it right then or forever lose his chance.

He checked the hallway of the hospice to ensure that no one could hear him.

“You are a really terrible mother,” he said quietly. “But you’re the only one I have, so I love you anyway. I don’t think I forgive you, though. You could have been so much better.”

She died shortly afterwards, and Neil felt unspeakably relieved that she wasn’t in pain any longer.

The funeral was predictably small. Just him, Andrew, and Andrew’s parents. Andrew watched him closely, as if he were a time bomb.

“I’m fine,” he told Andrew.

“I think you should see a therapist,” replied Andrew bluntly.

Neil started to object immediately, but then thought about it. Andrew, raised by a therapist, was predictably pro-therapy. Neil knew how hard he’d worked to manage his mental illness and overcome his trauma. Neil’s mother always pretended that nothing was wrong, that everything was normal. He imagined how his childhood could have been if his mother had taken steps to understand and learn how to cope with her illness. He thought about the negative impact on both their lives. He wanted to do better than she had.

“Okay,” he agreed.


	23. Andrew and Neil's Mother Have a Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kittyfeathersflying asked: Hi!, for the b99 au, could you write something about Andrew meeting neils mother? Or Neil talking about his past with andew? i this au so much! It gives me life!
> 
> Warnings: referenced child abuse.

The week after Andrew meets Neil’s mother there’s a knock on their apartment door. He considers ignoring it; almost no one knows where they live and those that do would text before just showing up. Neil’s not home; he and Kevin are on a stake out. Andrew considers that something went wrong and that both Neil and Kevin have lost their keys and that’s who is knocking on the door. It’s not completely outside the realm of possibility, but he’s pretty sure that by now Kevin would be loudly complaining that he was taking too long to answer the door.

It’s Neil’s mother. She’s never been here before: Neil had given her their address for emergency purposes, but she rarely leaves her own house.

“Neil’s not here,” Andrew tells her harshly. He hates this woman, quite a lot. She’s raised her hands against Neil, has abused him in a way that Neil won’t acknowledge is abuse. Andrew and Neil almost never fight: they argue and disagree quite often, but Andrew can count the number of serious fights they’ve had on one hand. The worst one he can think of was back when they were dating and Andrew told Neil his exact thoughts about his mother.

It had taken a long time before Neil had even mentioned his mother to Andrew. They’d shared their harsh truths about their pasts; Neil knew all about Drake and Andrew knew about Neil’s father, but the truth about how Neil’s mother had treated him came out more slowly. Neil had shared it in off-hand comments: “My mother would beat me if she knew what we were doing,”, “I had to keep my hair short to prevent it being yanked out,”, “I wasn’t allowed to have friends because she was worried they’d hurt me.” He didn’t even seem to understand why what he was saying was upsetting.

He knows that Neil mainly tries to pretend that everything his mother has done has been for a purpose, but he doesn’t have the same tolerance for her behaviour. Even if she’s come to apologize profusely for how she’s treated Neil and to promise that she’ll get help and be better, Andrew will never like nor forgive her. The damage that she has already done to the man he loves makes him want to commit violence.

“I came to see you,” she says. “Can I come in?”

“No,” says Andrew. “Say what you want to say.”

She scowls and Andrew feels a throb of anger at how much of Neil he sees in her expression. “I want you to leave my son alone,” she says.

“And I want you to stay far, far away from my husband,” he replies. “I don’t think that either of us is going to be satisfied.” He knows better than to try to keep Neil away from her; it frustrates and baffles him, the affection that Neil still carries for her, but he’s come to accept it (after many, many talks with Bee about how he can’t force Neil to cut his mother out of his life).

“What can I give you to leave him?” she asks, sounding almost desperate.

“Nothing,” says Andrew simply. 

“I warned him,” she says. “I warned him to stay away from men like you. You’re just like his father.”

“I assure you, I am not,” he says, preparing to close the door.

“Wait,” she says, reaching out in a panic. “Are you going to tell him I was here?”

“I don’t lie to him,” he replies. “And I certainly don’t hurt him or _ever_  raise my fists to him.”

“You don’t understand,” she cries. “I had my reasons.”

“I don’t care,” he says and closes the door.


	24. Dogs Love Neil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: For your b99 au, would you consider doing a scene in an airport? There’s too many bad memories to do with airports in the original series and the au is so light and soft and I just want to see the foxes happy :’)

Andrew was jittery the whole way through security. Neil kept up a harmless stream of chatter beside him, but once they were through the scanners and they could see planes through the windows at various departure gates his nervousness ramped up.

“Well that wasn’t so bad,” said Neil cheerfully. “At least no one told me that I didn’t have to remove my shoes this time.” Andrew send him a questioning look. “Because children under twelve don’t have to,” explained Neil.  


Andrew gave a faint smile, before his eyes automatically snapped back to the planes.

“The odds of a plane crashing are infinitesimal,” said Neil casually, “and, really, if our plane crashes we’ll be dead almost instantly. We’ll hardly even notice.”  


“You are being significantly less helpful than you think you are being,” growled Andrew.  


“Come on,” said Neil, taking his hand and leading him towards their departure gate. “Everything’s going to be fine. We’ve got business class tickets so you won’t have to sit next to a stranger, and as soon as we get on the plane you can take your Valium and snooze until we get there. You can have the window seat and I’ll stay awake so you don’t have to worry about being unconscious in public. I have your back.”  


Andrew took a deep breath and nodded, squeezing Neil’s hand.

This vacation had been his idea and had taken the two of them some time before they were both able to take two weeks off at the same time. They were going to Hawaii: Neil wanted to see volcanoes and Andrew was looking forward to their tour of the Mauna Kea Observatories. It was going to be great. There was just the small issue of his fear of heights and flying.

Suddenly a loud bark sounded behind them and they turned to see a drug-sniffing dog break away from its handler and make a beeline to Neil. It jumped at him, knocking him down.

Andrew was momentarily stunned - he really didn’t want to hurt the dog, but it was attacking Neil - until he noticed that Neil was laughing and the dog was licking his face.

“Rufus!” Neil said happily. “Is that you, boy?”  


Security was converging on them and Andrew was slightly worried. He was completely sure that Neil didn’t actually have any drugs on him but this looked bad. He nudged Neil with his foot as the dog’s handler reached them.

“Sir,” said the man sternly.  


Neil looked up and blinked in confusion. “What? Oh, it’s alright,” he said. “We’re friends from work.” He gestured between himself and the dog.

“You and… the dog are friends from work?” asked the man.  


“He has a name,” said Neil haughtily.  


“We’re police officers,” said Andrew quickly. He wanted to go on this vacation, dammit. He’d been psyching himself up about it for weeks and he _was_  getting on that plane no matter what. This was no time for Neil to mouth off to officials. In his mind’s eye he could picture Neil being strip-searched and locked in airport jail and then Andrew would have to fly alone. Andrew flipped open his identification and Neil followed suit.

“Yeah,” agreed Neil. “Rufus here helped me make a drug bust last year, didn’t you, boy?” He started cooing at the dog again. “Do you like working in the airport, buddy?”   


“Uh…” said the man, clearly at a loss. “I’m still going to have to check your bag for drugs.”  


“Knock yourself out,” said Neil, tossing over his carry-on bag. Rufus’ handler presented him with the bag to sniff, but he was uninterested in it, licking Neil’s ear instead. The man quickly went through the bag before handing it back.  


“He’s really not supposed to act like this while on duty,” the man said sheepishly.  


“It’s not his fault,” said Andrew with a deep sigh. “He was probably pulled into the vortex of ridiculousness that surrounds Neil on a daily basis.”  


Neil stood, brushing off his clothes and giving Rufus a final stroke between his ears. “Good to see you, boy, but I’ve got a plane to catch.”

Rufus whined a little but was eventually coaxed away by his handler.

“Why does he like you so much?” asked Andrew. It’s not like Neil was naturally good with animals.  


“Every time I’ve worked with him I spend the whole time feeding him random bits of food,” explained Neil. “Mostly because Kevin bet me that there was no way that a dog could possibly like me more than it liked him.” He smiled brightly. “Eat that, Kevin! That dog _loves_  me.”  



	25. Aaron Meets Neil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: I love your b99 au so much its so hilarious and lovely, thank you for writing it and all the extra stuff! I was wondering if you have any more ideas on what Andrew and Neil are like being a Married Couple™️ or Neil interacting with Andrew’s parents? Again you’re such a talented writer all your other stuff is so good as well, i’ve cried laughing at loads of bits! Thanks again!

Neil was regaling Pig and Bee with a story from his latest arrest which was quite funny until Andrew considered how often Neil’s life had been endangered and then it was just concerning. They’d just passed their second anniversary; Bee always invited them over for cake to celebrate, just as she had done after their wedding.

Just as Neil was reaching the part about Kevin getting tangled in clotheslines while Neil wrestled with their suspect, there was a knock on the door. Bee excused herself politely and Neil decided to wait before finishing his story. The part when he and Kevin fell into the river in February really could not be missed.

“Oh, Aaron, hello,” Bee said, sounding surprised. “What brings you here?”

Andrew really had no idea what could possibly bring his brother to his parents’ house. Aaron was invited to Bee’s yearly birthday parties, but other than that they had little contact.

“I’m sorry for just dropping by, but I was in the area and I was wondering if I could borrow that book you recommended at your last party? I’m going on vacation soon, and I need some reading material.”

“Of course,” said Bee. “Just come inside and I’ll go get it. Your brother’s in the living room, if you want to say hello.”

Aaron wandered in shortly afterwards, his eyes zeroing in on Neil. After Andrew had come out to him, he’d always been a little strange whenever he saw Andrew next to another man. A little wrinkle appeared in his brow. “Andrew, hello,” he said. “Is this your boyfriend?”

There was enough of a sneer on the word to make Andrew annoyed. “No,” he said, and then paused long enough for Aaron’s brow to smooth out in relief. “This is my husband. Neil, this is Aaron.”

“Hello,” said Neil, his face a perfect blank mask. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“I’ve heard nothing about you,” replied Aaron, unable to cover his shock.

“Well, the difference is that I support Andrew and listen when he speaks,” said Neil lightly. Aaron sent him a dirty look. Andrew squeezed Neil's hand. He appreciated his support, but he doesn't want him to go off on a full rant on his brother.

“Did I hear you say that you’re headed on vacation?” asked Pig, breaking the tension. The two of them chatted about that until Bee returned with the book and Aaron took his leave.

“Now, where were we?” Bee asked, settling into her armchair.

“Neil was just about to tell you how he mistook a raccoon for a cat and tried to pick it up,” said Andrew.


	26. Kevin Joins the Nine-Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: the entire pimento/rosa ust in "cheddar" again, strangely, reminds me of kevin but maybe with thea muldani (sorry for spamming you with things, im on a b99 binge-watch)

It was Kevin’s second day at the nine-nine. He was trying to get used to all his new co-workers. The only one he knew was Andrew, who, despite being one of his best friends had threatened to tell everyone about Kevin’s most embarrassing moments if Kevin let them know about their friendship.

Meeting new people usually left Kevin quite anxious, but at least he was pretty sure the hot blonde woman was flirting with him.

“Day,” she said, stepping into his personal space.

“Reynolds,” he replied.

Keeping constant eye contact with him, she pushed a file against his chest. “I need your signature on this file.”

“I don’t have a pen,” said Kevin.

She reached into the inside pocket of her jacket, caressing her breast more than was strictly necessary, and extracted a pen, clicking it slowly while running her tongue along her bottom lip. “Here you go,” she said.

He signed his name quickly. “Careful,” he said. “The ink is still wet.”

“Can’t have anything being too wet,” she said and slowly blew on his writing. He leaned forward to blow with her. They stood staring at each other, until she put her hand up to his chest and pushed him away from her. “See you later,” she said.

He watched her walk away.

“What is happening?” muttered Matt from his desk.

* * *

Kevin was punching holes in a stack of papers in the break room when Allison walked in.

“You punching holes?” she asked suggestively.

“Yeah,” he answered.

“That’s too much paper.”

He looked up at her. “Not for me,” he answered, standing up to apply enough force to punch the holes. He bit his lip as he did so. “Now I have to go get some yellow paper so I can do that all over again.”

Renee, who had observed the whole thing, watched Kevin leave and then turned to Allison. “What is going on with you two?”

“Oh, you noticed it?” asked Allison lightly.

“Everyone’s noticed it!” said Renee. “A convicted pervert asked me if the two of you could tone it down.”

“I can’t explain it,” said Allison. “There’s just so much UST between us. We’re building towards a climax.”

“Gross,” said Renee.

* * *

Allison was stapling a flier to the corkboard when Kevin came up behind her, molding himself to her back. He used his own stapler to attach the paper.

“I could have done that,” said Allison, turning around.

“I did it for you,” replied Kevin.

Allison ran her hand up his chest. “So when are we going to do something about what happening between us?”

“Right now,” said Kevin, and leaned in to kiss her.

She pushed him back after two seconds. “Nope,” she said.

Kevin took a large step back. “Ew, ew, ew. That was like kissing my sister.” He gasped. “Are you my sister?”

“No!” said Allison. “Why are you such a terrible kisser?”

“Me? _You’re_  a terrible kisser. I could give you some pointers to improve your technique.”

“Try and I will detach your balls from your body,” threatened Allison.

Kevin protectively cupped his balls. “Why would you say that?” he asked. “Demon woman.”

Allison narrowed her eyes. “You’d better never tell anybody about this.”

“Why would I want to?” wondered Kevin.

* * *

“So what ever happened between you and Kevin?” Dan asked Allison about a week later.

“Kevin is a rule-obsessed virgin,” announced Allison. “Why would I want anything to do with him?”

“At least I’m not a succubus,” muttered Kevin.

Allison tossed a file at Kevin; he reflexively caught it and glared at her. “Sign that,” she said haughtily.

Everyone in the bullpen released a sigh of relief. This was much more tolerable.


	27. No One Likes Neil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Hi, hope you're having a nice and writingful weekend :3 sooo, in the B99 AU, why did kevin move to the nine-nine if riko was dealt with (when he and Neil brought down the moriyamas). also, neil the horror partner at the one-two? any anecdotes?

Captain Browning was a very good cop, if he did say so himself. He had spent his long career honing his skills, putting a lot of time and effort into being the best he could be. But good cops also sometimes had to be lucky and he had been _very_ lucky when he’d paired up Neil Josten and Kevin Day and somehow ended up with an excellent crime-fighting team.

Both of them had the potential to be terrible partners, but together they made it work. They were probably his detectives with the best records and, as long as he didn’t read their reports too closely - because they were _ridiculous_ \- he could rest easily.

Which was why the paper on his desk filled him with so much dread.

Bringing down the Moriyama crime family had opened a lot of doors for the two of them and it seemed that Day was walking through one. He’d been offered a promotion which came with a transfer to the nine-nine. Browning knew and liked Wymack and conceded that Day would probably make a good addition to his team, but that left Browning wondering what the hell he was going to do about Josten.

* * *

Lakes stormed into Browning’s office, followed closely by Josten.

“I want a new partner,” she demanded.

“So do I,” said Josten. “She’s _useless_.”

“I’m useless,” Lakes echoed, her voice quickly approaching decibels that only bats could hear. “ _I’m_ useless!?! That’s rich coming from you, you unreliable little toad!”

“Unreliable?” said Josten. “You’re the one who didn’t provide backup!”

“You said something about pulling out knots and then sprinted away _without telling me where you were going_ ,” she spat.

“I said I was ‘pulling a Knox’!”

Lakes stared blankly.

“The exy player?” said Josten. “He plays left striker, so _clearly_ I was taking the left alleyway in order to surround our suspect!”

Lakes continued to give him a dumbfounded look.

“Kevin would have understood,” grumbled Josten.

Lakes turned to Browning. “I want a new partner,” she said.

* * *

Watts, the most laid-back detective that Browning had ever worked with, was practically gibbering in rage. Browning had really thought that he’d found someone to saddle with Josten; Watts was no trouble, he was one of those large, donut-eating stereotypical cops who sat quietly in the bullpen while plodding through cases.

“I knew you wanted me out of here,” said Watts, “but I _never_ thought you’d go to such lengths to make me retire!”

“What are you talking about?” asked Browning.

“That… that demon spawn you have me working with!” sputtered Watts.

“Josten?” said Browning, badly pretending at innocence. “What’s wrong with him?”

“What isn’t?” countered Watts. “I’ve put in many good years here and I don’t appreciate you punishing me like this.”

“I’m not punishing you,” replied Browning. “I thought you two could work well together.”

“Well you were wrong,” said Watts snippily.

“Fine,” said Browning, sighing. “I’ll reassign him.”

* * *

“No,” said Leverett as soon as Browning gave her her new assignment.

“No?” he asked, with a raised eyebrow. He was still her boss, after all.

“No,” she repeated, turned on her heel, and left.

“I guess no,” sighed Browning. Her glare was very impressive

“Who’s next?” asked Josten, rubbing his hands together.

* * *

“How did Day put up with him for so long?” asked Beckstein despairingly.

“Well, it’s not like Day’s a picnic,” said Lakes. “I wouldn’t want to partner with _him_ either.”

“What I want to know is why the hell Josten’s arrest record is so much better than mine,” griped Leverett.

“I just want to know why he’s not _dead_ ,” said Beckstein. “One of these days I’m pretty sure we’re going to stumble across him trying to put a screwdriver into a power outlet.”

“When we were working together he actually ran on top of cars to chase someone,” said Watts.

“I saw him take a container that was just labelled 'Food’ out of the break room fridge and _eat it_ ,” said Leverett.

“He instigated _three_ fights with our suspect during an interrogation,” said Lakes. “I’m still surprised he didn’t get pummelled.”

“Hey, Boss!” called Beckstein, to where Browning was walking past.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Browning, without turning to look at him. “You want a new partner.”

* * *

“This is the fourth time in three months that you’ve been made while undercover,” said Browning, looking down at Josten where he was getting his most recent knife wound stitched up. “I think this is far more serious than you not gelling with a new partner.”

“You think there’s a mole?” asked Josten, wincing a little as his wound was pulled closed.

“I’m not sure if you’re specifically being targeted,” said Browning. “It might be Moriyama related.”

Josten raised his eyebrows. “You really think so?”

Browning wasn’t sure, but he’d just come up with a plan to address his Josten problem. “Possibly,” he said. “I think you should temporarily transfer to another precinct, see if the problems follow you.”

Josten nodded agreeably. “Where were you thinking?”

“How about the nine-nine?” said Browning. Let Wymack deal with the little horror.


	28. Kevin is a Human Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Anonymous: B99 AU Kevin would be Amy giving Captain Holt (Wymack) a gift in a cardboard box, words written cryptically and Wymack thinking its a bomb, like in Yippie Kayak.

It was a Friday morning and the entire staff of the Ninety-ninth precinct was standing outside in the driving rain due to the building being evacuated. Most of the detectives had gathered under an overhang. Matt had laughed at how he was seeing Allison look less-than-perfectly-put-together for the first time, but was now rubbing his sternum and scowling.

Dan finished up her conversation with the bomb squad, made a face like she’d smelled something foul, and jogged back over to the others.

“Kevin,” she said. “Would you care to explain why we’re all standing out in the rain?”

“No,” said Kevin childishly.

“ _Kevin_ ,” said Dan in a warning tone.

Kevin sighed deeply. “It’s Father’s Day on Sunday,” he said. “And I recently found out that Captain Wymack is my father, so I bought him a present. But I didn’t have any appropriate wrapping paper - I mean, I couldn’t use birthday wrapping paper, could I? That would just be crazy - so I just put the gift in a plain brown box.”

“I can see where this is going…” said Matt.

“I didn’t want him to know right away that it was from me or that it was for Father’s Day,” Kevin continued, “so I wrote ‘A Surprise for Captain Wymack’ on it in my right hand. Then I snuck in last night so that no one would see me put it on his desk.”

“So, just to recap,” said Renee. “You left an unmarked package on a police captain’s desk in the middle of the night on a random day with a suspicious message written on it that looks like it was scrawled by a crazy person?”

“Yes,” said Kevin despondently. “I don’t know why he thought it was a bomb!”

“Huh,” said Allison. “Who else wants to take turns punching Kevin?”

Everyone raised their hands.

“To be fair, I almost always want to punch Kevin,” said Andrew.

“I guess we’re being candid today,” said Kevin sullenly.


	29. Five times Andrew told Nicky about his relationship with Neil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AO3 user guiding_light asked for Nicky avoiding Andrew because his feelings were hurt that Andrew never told him about Neil. This is... not that, but it’s what my brain came up with when I read that prompt.

1.

“It’s good to see you!” Nicky yelled to Andrew over the music at Eden’s Twilight. “You’ve been so busy lately at the police academy that it seems like I haven’t seen you in forever!”

Andrew sipped his whisky.

“Ooh,” said Nicky, elbowing him. “That bartender is giving you the eye. Didn’t the two of you used to hook up in college?”

Andrew checked over his shoulder and nodded.

“Gonna hit that tonight?” asked Nicky playfully.

“I’m in a monogamous relationship,” said Andrew.

“Yeah, that’s the dream,” sighed Nicky. “Well, if you’re not going for the hot bartender, how about _that_  guy?”

* * *

2.

“Andrew!” said Nicky in greeting as Andrew entered the coffee shop. “I can’t believe you missed my birthday!”

Andrew tossed over a poorly wrapped present. “Something came up.”

“Nothing too serious I hope?”

“My boyfriend was in the hospital.”

Nicky snorted. “I knew you just didn’t want to come to the party. Now, what did you get me?” he asked as his attention turned to his present.

* * *

3.

“I heard you quit,” said Andrew.

“Homophobes, again,” sighed Nicky.

“There’s an opening for an administrative assistant at my precinct,” offered Andrew. “I could put in a good word for you if you want.”

“Would you?” asked Nicky. “That would be great as long as they’re accepting of my sexuality.”

“I’ve never had a problem,” said Andrew. “Neil says that some of the other precincts aren’t as open minded, but the nine-nine is good.”

“Neil?” asked Nicky teasingly. “Who is he? Your _boyfriend_?”

“No,” said Andrew. “He’s my husband.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get your message,” said Nicky. “No prying into your personal life.”

* * *

4.

“Did you have a fun vacation, Andrew?” asked Nicky. “You look well-rested.”

“I was at a funeral,” replied Andrew.

“Oh, no,” moaned Nicky. “Who died?”

“My mother-in-law.”

Nicky looked confused, but then he laughed. “You almost got me!”

* * *

5.

“Come on,” wheedled Nicky, “what did you do last Wednesday?”

“I spent the evening cuddling with my husband,” said Andrew. 

Nicky frowned. “If you don't want to tell me, you can just say so,” he pouted. “You don’t have to lie.”

* * *

+1.

“I don’t understand,” said Nicky in befuddlement after learning of Andrew and Neil’s marriage. “Why didn’t he tell me?”


	30. Five times Neil tried to subtly tell Nicky about his and Andrew’s relationship

1.

“Hey,” said Nicky, approaching Neil. “I’m Nicky, nice to meet you.”

Neil looked up in interest. He’d never actually met Andrew’s cousin but he had heard stories.

“Oh,” said Nicky. “With a face like that I’m really hoping that you swing my way.”

Stories that included the fact that Nicky was strangely resistant to understanding that Andrew was in a long-term relationship. Maybe Neil could help. “My swing is pretty stationary,” said Neil pleasantly. “But I can get it to move for certain men who are shorter than I am.”

“Shorter than you?” asked Nicky incredulously. “But you’re tiny! You’re only, what, 5′4″?”

“5′3″,” corrected Neil.

“You only sleep with men shorter than 5′3″? But then your dating pool must be minuscule!” cried Nicky. “...No pun intended.”

“Yup,” said Neil happily. “The size of my dating pool has been stagnant at one for a while now.”

A look of contemplation passed over Nicky’s face. “Well, have I got great news for you! Just wait until you meet my cousin!”

“Meeting him isn’t going to increase the number of people I’m willing to date.”

“Don’t write him off before you meet him!” admonished Nicky. “He might seem violent and terrifying but he’s a really good guy deep down.”

 _Huh_ , thought Neil. Apparently giving Nicky a clue would be harder than he thought.

* * *

2.

“I’m so excited about this date!” enthused Nicky in the lunch room. “I mean, hooking up is fun and all, but I’ve missed being in an actual relationship.”

Neil shrugged. “I’ve never had casual sex in my life.”

Nicky gave an incredulous laugh. “You don’t have to be embarrassed, Neil. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex.”

“I know that,” said Neil. “But I’m incapable of having a physical relationship without a preexisting emotional one.”

“Well, we all know _that’s_ not true!” said Nicky, with a pointed look through the window at the break room at Andrew.

Neil rolled his eyes. Clearly Nicky hadn’t quite gotten his message.

* * *

3.

“I’m so nervous,” Nicky said. “It’s my first Valentine’s Day with Erik. I have all these elaborate plans, but what if I mess it up?”

“Personally, I think the most romantic thing you can do on Valentine’s Day is just spend time with the person you love,” said Neil.

“Yeah? What would you do if you were in a relationship?”

“ _If_ ,” said Neil rolling his eyes. “We are going to cook dinner together and then spend the evening doing something together that we enjoy. Probably having a bath together and reading a book. Tomorrow we’ll stock up on half-priced chocolate.”

“That is some old married couple bullshit, Neil,” said Nicky.

“Yes,” agreed Neil.

“You should be out mixing it up! You’re young and single, you can’t just stay at home!”

“I’m only one of those two things.”

“Don’t call yourself old,” said Nicky. “You’re only thirty.”

Neil huffed in exasperation.

* * *

4.

Neil was dripping wet as he and Nicky took the elevator down to the locker room. Nicky was still a little shaken from Andrew’s threat.

“You know how important consent is to Andrew,” Neil pointed out. “And how territorial and protective he is over his family.”

“I don’t know if you noticed but he was protective of _you_ , not me,” replied Nicky.

“Yes,” said Neil. “Exactly my point.”

Nicky stared at him in confusion until the elevator reached his destination. “Let’s get you dried off then, yes?”

Neil just sighed.

* * *

5.

“Neil,” said Nicky, “you’re looking a little obsessed there, buddy.”

“I have to solve this case,” said Neil. “And Kevin spraying anxiety all around me like a hose isn’t helping.”

“You need to relax,” said Nicky. “Go out, have some fun. When was the last time you went on a first date?”

“A first date?” echoed Neil. “Like, a decade ago.”

“See?” cried Nicky. “You have to get out there!”

“Nicky,” said Neil wearily, rubbing a hand down his face, “I’m married-”

“To your job, I know,” Nicky cut him off. “But you can’t make work your end-all be-all. At the end of the day you have to go home and then what?”

“And then I have my husband,” said Neil dryly.

“Exactly!” said Nicky enthusiastically. “Now you’re getting it! You have to date in order to find a husband.”

 _Alright that’s it_ , thought Neil fiercely. It was time for drastic measures.

* * *

+1. (when subtlety wasn’t working)

“When I said that my family was here at the nine-nine I meant that literally,” said Neil, checking Nicky’s reaction. If this didn’t work he was out of ideas. “Because Andrew and I have been married since 2012.”

Nicky stared in shock. His fingers went limp and the glass he had been holding crashed to the ground. “ _What_?!” he shrieked. “You never even gave me a tiny clue!”


	31. Matt Ties His Shoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> howyougetthe-fangirl asked: in response to your last post, i will literally read ~anything~ you wanna write. andrew and neil’s grocery list??? hmu i’m excited to see their fave ice cream flavors and the absence of all veggies. matts inner monologue while he laces up his shoes (i’m trying to think of the most mundane things i can i’m not v good at this)? dang sounds like a real emotional roller coaster. this b99 au is tbh my fave tfc series and i ~live~ for reading anything even slightly related so please keep em coming

“Careful, Babe,” said Dan. “Your shoe’s untied.”

“Oh, thanks,” said Matt, and bent over to tie his shoe. “You gotta take a lace in each hand,” he sung under his breath. He hummed a couple bars before he finished up. “You make a loop-de-loop and pull, and your shoes are looking cool.”

He stood to find Kevin looking at him judgmentally. “That’s not how you tie shoes,” said Kevin haughtily. “Bunny ears, what’s wrong with you?”

“I followed the song!” defended Matt.

“The song is stupid,” said Kevin. “All you need is a simple rhyme: Over, under, pull it tight. Make a bow, pull it through to make it right.”

“That’s a terrible rhyme,” said Allison. “There were too many syllables in the second line.”

“Well, what do you use, then?” challenged Kevin.

Allison thunked her leather boot up on the desk. “One, I am an adult so I no longer need to use a rhyme to teach me how to tie my shoes. Two, zippers or slip ons or bust.”

“How do you run in those?” Matt asked, staring in awe at the heels on her boots.

“Skillfully,” said Allison.

“Back on topic, who else has a rhyme for shoe tying?” Kevin asked.

“I do,” said Neil. “First you make a noose, and make sure it isn’t loose-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Dan. “No legitimate children’s rhyme mentions a noose.”

“I don’t know,” said Matt dubiously. “Have you ever actually listened to a nursery rhyme? Those things are _dark_.”

Neil looked thoughtful, and then grimaced. “No, Dan’s right. That poem ends, ‘And if you somehow fail, my knives will make you wail.’”

“Did a sociopath teach you to tie your shoes?” asked Allison.

“I’m not sure,” said Neil. “She may have actually been a psychopath.”

There was an awkward pause. “Way to murder the conversation, _Neil_ ,” said Kevin.


	32. They're Totally Married, Guys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: I’m in love with your b99 au could you maybe write something where the foxes see andreil do something sorta cute or coupley for the first time after finding out they’re married?

“Okay, what does everyone have?” asked Nicky as they gathered in the break room.

“Uh, intense staring?” suggested Dan. “I mean, they used to do that before and we thought it was because they hated each other, but clearly we were wrong.”

“Not good enough,” said Nicky. “We need real proof. Anybody else?”

“Cutesy nicknames?” said Matt.

“Really?” asked Nicky excitedly. “What nicknames?”

“Well, um, Neil just calls him Andrew,” said Matt sheepishly. “But I’ve heard Andrew refer to Neil as ‘Junkie’ at least once.”

“Argh,” grumbled Nicky. “You’re awful. You got my hopes up!”

“I saw them sharing a cigarette,” said Allison. “Although, when I went out to fetch Neil, they were just sitting in silence.”

“Oh!” said Dan. “I saw Andrew squeeze the back of Neil’s neck when he was upset last week!”

“Like he was choking him?” asked Matt, sounding worried.

“No, I think he was attempting comfort,” said Dan.

“It’s no use,” said Nicky despondently. “Neither of them has a romantic bone in their body.”

“Heh,” said Matt. “‘Bone’.”

Meanwhile, Andrew was standing next to Neil’s desk. “Nicky’s being irritating,” he complained. “He keeps staring and cooing.”

“He’s your cousin,” said Neil. “There’s no way you can blame me for this.”

“You’re the one who told them.”

“You’re the one who proposed in the first place.”

“104%,” grumbled Andrew. He kissed Neil’s forehead before heading back to his own desk.

“Stop being gross,” whined Kevin. “Why are you always so cutesy?”


	33. Neil and Andrew Adopt Cats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: In the b 99 au how do they get their cats?

When Andrew arrives on the scene, Kevin is standing in front of the apartment building taking notes and Neil is nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Neil?” he asks, wondering why it had been so imperative that he get here right away. This is a very tame scene compared to most arrests that Kevin and Neil make together. There aren’t even any ambulances or fire trucks.

Kevin points to an alleyway beside the building. “He’s in the dumpster,” he says, and goes back to taking notes as if he’s given Andrew a satisfactory answer. Andrew stares at him. Kevin huffs and points again. “Beside the building.”

Andrew rounds the corner and, yup, there’s Neil in a dumpster. He really wishes he was more surprised. At least Neil’s wearing gloves.

“Neil,” he says, knocking on the metal siding. “What are you doing?”

Neil stands, his face a little flushed from being bent over. “Oh, hey, Andrew,” he says, before going back to sifting through the trash. “I’m just looking for some food.”

Andrew glances around to make sure that nobody’s watching, and goes up on his tiptoes so that he can see into the dumpster more easily. “If you eat anything you find in there, I’m going to leave you.”

Neil’s found a sandwich, which he pries open and extracts the lunch meat from inside. He stands and rolls his eyes. “It’s not for me,” he says, gracefully jumping out of the dumpster and heading farther back into the alley. He’s making little cooing and kissing sounds and Andrew begins to feel dread.

Neil holds out the meat towards a hole in the wall, and makes a happy noise. He reaches out with his other hand and pulls out a tiny kitten by the scruff of its neck. It’s filthy, its long fuzzy coat matted and soaking wet. It’s making tiny little distressed noises. It looks at Andrew with giant, innocent eyes.

Neil turns and he’s somehow made his expression match the cat’s. Andrew’s almost impressed by how manipulative it is.

“No,” says Andrew, but he knows that they’re taking the kitten home. He’s never denied Neil something he really wants.

“Okay,” says Neil sadly. “We’ll just leave this homeless baby, who nobody wants, all alone, here in the dark alley, and-”

“You’re barely capable of taking care of yourself, how do you plan to look after a cat?”

“Obviously you’re going to be the responsible parent and I’m going to be the fun parent.”

“We already have Kevin to look after,” protests Andrew.

“Oh, but he doesn’t live with us and I’m suffering from empty nest syndrome-”

“Fine,” says Andrew, cutting him off. “You can keep the damn cat. Just stop spouting nonsense.”

“Great,” says Neil with a smile. “Hold onto them for a second?”

“What, no-” says Andrew, but Neil’s already pushed the muddy mess into his hands, and returned to making noises at the wall.

He reaches out again, but this time he brings out something far more horrifying. Andrew recoils. “Is that a rat?” he asks. “You can’t have a rat.”

“Don’t be mean,” says Neil. “It’s a cat. It’s just hairless.”

“And hideous.”

“Well there’s a reason I showed you the pretty one first,” says Neil. 

“No,” says Andrew firmly.

Neil cocks his head. “So we can only take the cute one home with us?”

Andrew glares. “Stop using my childhood insecurities against me.”

Neil stands, removing his outer coat and wrapping the ugly rat-cat into it. He reaches for the fluffy cat and wraps it up, too. “Aw, you were always the cute one,” he says, then, “I called a vet already. We have an appointment in half an hour. Nicky went to pick up some cat supplies for us.” He pauses. “If you’re actually against this, we won’t keep them, of course-”

“No, it’s fine,” sighs Andrew. “Just get in the car. And remember that you have to feed them and scoop their litter.”

“Sure,” says Neil easily, since they both know that there’s no way that those duties won’t eventually be Andrew’s.

“And no stupid names.”

Neil winces. “Um,” he says.

“What now?”

“In order to get Nicky to buy the supplies, I agreed to let him name them.”


	34. Matt and Dan Host Board Game Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: ((silencesays)) God, I WISH I had a prompt for your B99 au because it is everything I love. Maybe something light? With Neil, because that boy is Dark and needs to just have fun. And Andrew because I love him, and- just all the foxes actually because they are Light.

Dan and Matt, despite being neither old nor married, were the quintessential old married couple. Therefore, it was their role, nay their _duty_ , to host board game nights with their co-workers and friends. Below, presented in no particular order, is a non-exhaustive list of the games that they have played.

1\. [Rat Race](http://www.boardgames.ca/ratrace-board-game-waddingtons-edition-used-1.aspx), with Allison and Renee

“I rolled a seven,” said Allison.

Matt grimaced. “You’re getting divorced.”

“ _Again_?” cried Allison. “That’s the fourth time! And why do _I_ always have to pay alimony! I don’t make that much!”

“It’s also strange because you’ve only landed on the Society Wedding square once,” said Renee mildly. “Who do you keep divorcing?”

Allison counted her money. “I don’t even have enough to pay alimony! Do I have to declare bankruptcy?”

“I’ll pay you $300 for that Colour TV,” said Dan.

Allison’s eyes narrowed. “I paid $500 for it.”

“It depreciated,” said Dan with a grin.

“Add in one of those $100 car phones and it’s a deal,” bargained Allison.

“That’s actually against the rules,” said Matt.

“Fine,” said Allison. “Then I. Declare. BANKRUPTCY!”

* * *

2\. [Settlers of Catan](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/13/catan), with Andrew and Neil

“I will trade you trees for rocks,” said Neil, squinting at his cards.

“That’s actually wood and ore,” corrected Matt quietly.

“No,” said Andrew.

“Sheep, then,” offered Neil.

“Wool,” whispered Matt.

“No,” said Andrew.

“I know you want trees, Andrew!” said Neil in annoyance. “Just trade me something for them!”

“No,” said Andrew.

Neil huffed. “Fine, then I’m finished my turn because I can’t do anything.”

Andrew rolled the dice. “Seven,” he said.

“You have to throw out half your cards, cause you have too many, Neil,” said Dan apologetically. Neil did so while glowering at Andrew.

“And I’ll move the robber right here, onto Neil’s wood space,” said Andrew. “And take a card from Neil.” He pried it out of Neil’s resisting fingers. “I stole his wood, so I’ll pair it with bricks and build a road… which means I now have the longest road.”

Neil passed over the card which had previously belonged to him. “I want a divorce,” he announced.

“Maybe a cooperative game next time?” Dan whispered to Matt.

* * *

3\. Ultimate Exy Trivia Board Game (based on [this](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/13214/ultimate-hockey-trivia-board-game)) with Kevin and Thea

“It was so nice of you to bring your own game,” said Dan with false enthusiasm as Kevin answered another question properly.

“This is the worst,” argued Thea. “This knowledge is useless and no one needs it.”

Kevin gasped as if he’d been struck. “It’s not my fault that you don’t know who was the highest point getter in the league was every single year since its inception.”

Thea narrowed her eyes. “We’re playing Pictionary next,” she said. “And we’re going to be on separate teams.” 

“No! You _know_ I failed art in middle school!”

* * *

4\. [Agricola](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/31260/agricola), with Nicky and Erik

“Okay,” said Matt. “I’m going to take these three sheep. I’ll turn two of them into food using my hearth, and I’ll let the third live in my house.”

“Awww,” said Nicky. “Can we get a pet sheep?” he asked Erik.

“Maybe a goldfish,” bargained Erik.

“Now it’s harvest time,” said Dan. “Harvest your crops and then you’ll have to feed your family.”

“Umm…” said Nicky, looking back and forth between his food tokens and his family members. “Can I eat my spouse?”

* * *

5\. [Flash Point: Fire Rescue](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/100901/flash-point-fire-rescue), with Neil and Andrew

“I rolled one-three,” said Andrew.

“I’m on fire,” said Neil.

“Again?” asked Matt. “You’re a fire-fighter. You really should not be on fire this often.”

Neil shrugged. “What, like Andrew’s doing better? Last turn he saved a cat and let a person burn to death.”

“My priorities are in order,” said Andrew. 

Matt shook his head fondly. “Your turn, Neil.”

“Okay, I stand up for one, put out this fire for three, and step inside for four.”

“Time to advance the fire,” said Dan.

Neil rolled. “I’m on fire,” he said.

* * *

6\. [Exploding Kittens](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/172225/exploding-kittens), with everyone

“It’s a bomb,” said Kevin dryly, as he picked up a card. He send a look over to Allison. “Again.”

“I don’t know why you’re looking at me,” said Allison.

“Because you’re deliberately targeting me!” countered Kevin.

“No, sorry, that was me,” said Nicky. “I was trying to give it to Andrew. I put it three down.”

“He’s sitting four spots away from you,” Renee said.

“Oops,” said Nicky.

“Well I defuse it,” said Kevin.

“Nope!” said Allison slapping down a card happily.

“I nope your nope,” said Kevin.

“I nope _your_ nope,” said Neil. Kevin sent him a betrayed look.

Neil just smiled at him. “Punish the weak.”

“I’m never playing this game again,” said Kevin sullenly.

“You just don’t like losing,” said Matt.

“Who likes losing?” asked Kevin incredulously.

* * *

7\. [Castle Panic](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/104590/castle-panic-wizards-tower), with Neil, Kevin, and Andrew

Matt returned to the living room with the bowl of popcorn he’d just prepared. He glanced at the game board and did a double take. “What happened?” he asked. It had not looked like this before he’d made the trip to the kitchen. “Why is everything on fire?”

“Neil had a turn,” said Kevin.


	35. Kevin Appreciates Proper Grammar, Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Ok, so, during middle school I had a classmate who was a bit like Kevin, kind of funnily irritating and easy to piss off if you hit the right buttons. So obv my classmates decided to have a competition on who could piss him off the most and get him on the biggest rant. No need to say it ended in disaster. I just think it would be fitting for your b99 AU, if you want to use it as a prompt :)

“So I was thinking that before we hit the bar after work, we head to the place across the street for ice cream,” said Allison. “I’ve had a hankering all day, expecially since it’s been so hot.”  


Kevin twitched a little. “There’s no ‘x’ in the word ‘especially’,” he muttered.

“Good idea,” said Nicky. “But instead of the place across the street, let’s go to Dino’s. It’s only two blocks further down.”  


“Farther,” hissed Kevin. “You use the work ‘farther’ when it’s a physical distance.”  


“Oooo, yes, Dino’s,” said Matt. “I love their sherbert.”  


“There’s only one ‘r’ in the word ‘sherbet’,” said Kevin.  


“Are you sure?” asked Matt.  


“ _Yes_ ,” said Kevin, clearly growing more agitated.  


“Anyways,” said Dan.  


“There’s no ‘s’ in the word ‘anyway’!”  


“I also vote for Dino’s,” continued Dan. “What about everyone else?”  


“I have no preference among the two of them,” said Renee.  


“ _Between_  the two of them,” said Kevin, his voice getting louder.  


“I could care less,” said Andrew.  


“You _couldn’t_  care less!” exclaimed Kevin. “Saying that you _could_ care less indicates that you _do_ care!”  


“Well, I don’t want to go to Dino’s,” said Neil. “Going to the place near the bar means we have to walk two less blocks.”  


“Two _fewer_  blocks!” shouted Kevin. “Blocks are quantifiable!”  


“Irregardless of which place we choose-” started Allison.  


Kevin stood, his chair squealing along the floor as it was abruptly pushed back. “ _Irregardless is not a word_ ,” he shrieked. “You mean _regardless_!” He stomped off to the balcony off the bullpen, pacing and muttering to himself.

“Did we break him?” asked Allison gleefully.  


Neil narrowed his eyes. “Not quite,” he said.

Wymack came out of his office and followed their gazes to Kevin. He sighed deeply. “What did you do to Kevin?”

“We improperly used grammar at him,” said Matt.  


“Christ,” muttered Wymack. He walked over and pushed open the door to the balcony. “Kevin, calm down. Your head is literally going to explode.”  


Kevin froze, his only movement the small tremors that passed through his body. He turned slowly to stare at Wymack. “You,” he gritted out through clenched teeth. “Mean. _FIGURATIVELY_!”

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on tumblr [@gluupor](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).


End file.
